Disclaimer: Don’t take any of this advice, dumbass.
The uni student lifestyle is one of mountain climbing and tsunamis. We all know how terribly stressful exam periods are and how much of life there is to balance, budget and plan out. Most of the time we just want to find a way to relax, destress and feel calm. How do we get rid of the painful stress? How do we just relax and live the best life? If these are questions you want answered, and stress you would like to get rid of, then this article is definitely not for you. No, we will today be looking at all the means to heighten that awful stress you’re dealing with. These pointers will help you seek new habits, behaviour and even a playlist to suit this transition from hopefully relaxing holiday into stressful focus and mind-altering change. You will never want to relax ever again! But who are we kidding, you probably didn’t relax over the holidays either.
The world now being front and centre on our phones is such a convenience to have. You can send your friends and family messages at any time, keep up to date with current events, and most importantly lose yourself in the 24/7 cycle of content. All of those sound amazing right? Everyone has their phones shoved into their faces and attention all the time for a reason right? Well in order to ensure that you lose that productive edge, it’s vital to make sure that you’re beating everyone else at their own game and maximising your screen time every way you can. Hell, at times you’ll feel like you’ll never do anything else in your life again! Bring your phone to hangouts, toilets, meetings, mealtimes. You’ll make the phone your best friend, with extra attention paid to using it the second you wake up and just before you go to bed. These times are vital so that the blue light can not only hold your eyes hostage, but affect the neurological signals from your hypothalamus that lessens the chances for a proper rest. Simply put, to keep yourself away from productivity and rest, get on that damn phone.
Oftentimes, we get a jolt of inspiration. An initial thought to finally do something with your time. Maybe you want to study hard? Make a home-made meal? Go to the gym? It’s a real great feeling, and it’s always important to make sure that the productivity flows well and motivation pushes you towards this first thought. And that is why to make sure you’re more stressed than usual, you must always remember the second thought. It can come in the way of “what’s the point?”, “I probably can’t do that actually” and my personal favourite, “Eh, I can just do it tomorrow”. We naturally gravitate to negative thoughts on the fly, especially internalised criticisms that only make the worst even more so. These second thoughts are absolutely vital towards upping your levels of procrastination and in turn making you stress more, so make sure you’re totally in touch with them.
Who doesn’t love friends? The best kind of social support that can go from stabbing your back for fun to being really intimate and close in the next. You can call them at almost any time, and they will be more than happy to relieve all the worries you have. It’s never a good idea to take them for granted and you should always be sure to take them to heart. So in the mind of a stressor, it is imperative for you to completely remove contact with your friends and make sure to miss out on any invite. You’ll be facing all the worries and negativity by yourself in your own constructed space, which influences both of the above previous points. If you speak to them, be sure to ask about any event you missed so they gush all over you. This will give you the bitterness of missing out and will effectively add to your stress tenfold. The eventual loss of these friends will in turn increase your chances of achieving maximum stress.
At the end of the day, most of our life’s enjoyment depends on the food we eat. From good ol’ cereals to high protein salads, the normal person will go to great lengths to maintain a high level of health and dedication to their meals. The best moods and relaxing feels come from this, and there are so many options to keep you in shape both mentally and physically from eating alone! So to maximise stress goals and to keep you in a constant bad mood, we encourage you to stop this management and eat only one category of food: beige. Beige foods, like chips, hash browns, cookies, bread, and hummus. These are loaded with salt and sugar that give you bursts of energy only to take it all away. You’re left with a decaying sense of feeling healthy which is all the better for lessening relaxation.
You don’t need us to tell you the importance of good sleep. For every waking year of your life, you’ve been told over and over that eight hours is the recommended and that you need rest to fully be you. And it’s true; you do need to sleep to maintain sanity, manage brain activity, and of course to rid the risks of stress and high fatigue. So that is why it’s important for you to make sure that you ignore the natural call to your bed. Binge watch movies, stare at your phone (refer above), walk around outside. Just do whatever you can to make sure that no Z’s are caught, leaving you in a constant state of low energy and awful mood swings. To boost this you might want to consider taking up copious amounts of coffee as your new water source. I would recommend at least seven cups a day of long blacks and nothing less (but maybe don’t, to avoid cardiac arrest). Be sure to drink after 6pm and you will truly become the life of any event or activity by being totally incapable of function.
While you’re by yourself and needing to seek occupation, an obvious and good choice would be to immerse yourself in music. However, to maintain stress goals, you must listen to some of the most anxiety inducing sounds imaginable. Some artists that specialise in this include:
To help we have made a playlist that will give you 30 songs to start with your stress inducing jam sessions. QR Code above/below. Scan and listen at your own risk. (Editor’s note: I only got through three songs so… yeah).