Once upon a time I was behind Whitney Houston when she prophesied “I believe the children are the future”. But the girl had obviously never met one, because kids are unhinged. And the shit they come up with is insane—simultaneously genius and stupid. This week, the Craccum Editorial Team decided to share what dumb shit we used to think growing up (and let me tell you, it explains a lot). We also asked you guys what shit you believed in back in the day and damn, some of y’all were way smarter than us (or just real dumb).
If they think what we were thinking, our world is not safe with the next generation.
I used to think the world was black and white. I didn’t believe my mum when she tried to convince me that the world has always been in colour—I thought she was just trying to mess with me to see what outlandish stories I would believe. To me, my reasoning was sound. All the photos of me were in colour, but all the photos of my grandparents and their parents were black and white. So, if photos captured real life, then surely real life in the past was in black and white. Without full development of my frontal lobe, how was I supposed to know about the history of cameras? I can’t remember exactly when I realised my mum was right, but I was probably way too old.
Until I was about seven, I used to think that when you died you would be reincarnated as a person back in time. Like your mind would take over the body of somebody else at that point in time. I was really excited to see Michael Jackson perform live if I died, and I would be a reckless little shit. I don’t even like Michael Jackson. There wasn’t really any reasoning for it, I just thought it made sense. How else would people know what things were like back in the day? Eventually, someone told me it was impossible and I gave that idea up, but I still think I’m a smart cunt ngl. Maybe I should start a new religion?
I thought it always had to rain overnight and I was really confused when I woke up one day in summer and the grass was dry. I was even more confused when I learned about dew and condensation.
When I was like six years old before I moved to New Zealand, I genuinely thought NZ was a tiny ass island. Like, it was literally just a strip of sand and you could see all of the country’s borders just by standing in the centre of the island. I had this vivid imagery that there was sand everywhere, a small straw hut in the middle for my family, palm trees by the water, sheep roaming around freely, and blue skies all around. I think my parents gave me the idea after they told me NZ was a tiny island with sheep and blue skies lmao. It’s not a totally unrealistic depiction though; real life just has a bit more greenery. Idk where I could go to actually live in a place like that but six-year-old me was dreaming up some good vacation spots.
Also, I thought time zones were just having a few minutes of difference between areas/countries. I distinctly remember explaining to my friends at kindergarten that when I’d be brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, they’d be doing the same right after I hopped into bed for the night. No clue why I believed this, but at least I had some sense of how time worked in different countries?
You guys thought that…
“The world’s richest people (e.g., the Royals for some reason) never reused their plates because they were so rich they would just have new plates every time they ate.”
“The moon was following me wherever I went and watched over me. I guess I naturally grew out of it as I got older but it still comforts me sometimes.”
“When people died in movies they actually died and would sacrifice themselves for the film.”
If you still believe what follows, we need a serious chat with the Ministry of Education.
Unlike every other six-year-old, I was not psyched to lose my baby teeth. I thought the term “losing your teeth” literally meant losing all of your teeth at once. Left to my own (intellectual) devices to understand how this perplexing process worked, I came up with a theory. Since my parents still ate dinner, used their toothbrush, and talked, all tasks requiring their chompers must magically whoosh back when they needed to use them. But if they were just breathing there would be no teeth chilling in their mouth, unlike small children who had their teeth intact 24/7.
You might think the Tooth Fairy story, which clearly depicts children placing a singular tooth underneath their pillows, would debunk my own nonsensical theory. Yeah no. It just reaffirmed my hypothesis. My six year old brain thought that you had to ration your teeth by only putting a single tooth under your pillow for the Tooth Fairy to carry away. Obviously, the tiny Tooth Fairy couldn’t carry all twenty of your baby teeth at once. Luckily, after asking my very confused parents where everyone’s teeth hung out in between use times, I stopped believing in my whack ass physics-defying theory.
I thought cis boys could get pregnant too. My aunt lied to me because I was being a little shit. I cried because I thought I was pregnant and didn’t want a kid. Do I look back now and think I was smart for coming up with something so wacky? No, I was just a dumbass.
You guys thought that…
“You could run out of tears. I believed my dad until I was about 13.”
“During a C-section the belly came off like a lid.”
“Eating seeds from a fruit makes the fruit grow inside you.”
But you REALLY have to think about it.
When I was five, I took the proverb “Slow and steady wins the race” from the Tortoise and the Hare a bit too literally. So, I ran my entire cross country race in dramatic slow motion. Everyone thought I was taking the piss, but I was genuinely shocked when I didn’t win. I guess I thought all the other kids would get tired and take a nap mid-100-meter race. It’s even funnier because I was actually a pretty fast sprinter and probably would have done well otherwise.
You guys thought that…
“The car would only turn left or right if your indicator was on, if it wasn’t on it the car wouldn’t turn.”
“There was a man watching all the intersections and controlling all the traffic lights. I think I just figured it was totally impractical.”
“If you used the dish soap in the kitchen to wash your hands, it would never come off.”