New Zealand Doctor Struggles with Man Drought
This week, Cameron Leakey gives a rundown of The Bachelorette and basically just shits on the show.
Look, fuck this programme alright. The latest season of The Bachelorette New Zealand has just finished and honestly thank god. It seemed to go on forever. Lesina deserved better, you deserved better, everyone deserved better. Lesina, the intelligent and lovely doctor, chose to value her own self worth and walk away single, you go girl. Meanwhile, Lily, a fun and kind soul, chose Richie. Look I have to be real, I gave up on watching the series towards the end so I don’t really know much about Lily and Richie, but I trust she chose someone worthy and I wish them luck for the future. Lesina and Lily, you both deserve the best.
Seriously though, are these twenty six men the best that TVNZ could muster? I mean Art-I’m-so-Paleo-Green was literally the best option on the show and he wasn’t even available! I’ve taken it on myself to rate all 26 men on The Bachelorette New Zealand out of ten. If you disagree with these ratings, please write a complaint, double spaced with 12pc Times New Roman font and then eat the paper.
| Mac 0/10 Michael 0/10 Michael (2) 0/10 Richie 0/10 Conor 0/10 George 0/10 Logan 0/10 Tavita 0/10 Brendon 0/10 | Clayton 0/10 Dominic 0/10 Jesse 0/10 Quinn 0/10 Daryl 0/10 Marc 0/10 Marcus 0/10 Tyler 0/10 Aaron 0/10 | Elliott 0/10 Flynn 0/10 Glenn 0/10 Jonathan 0/10 Kurt 0/10 Liam 0/10 Steve 0/10 Terence 0/10 |
Now that the dynamics of our society have changed so drastically, I have many suggestions for how a new season of The Bachelorette: Isolation in Paradise could go:
- Implement a two metre distance between all contestants and give them all N95 masks. Not only will they be protected against viruses and bacteria but we also can’t really hear them speak. The “WHAT”’s after every sentence will really enhance those verbal connections. So romantic.
- With all non-Essential Services closed, dates are now limited to Zoom conference calls between the Bachelorette, the contestant and the producers. Backgrounds are now added to simulate various date experiences. Virtual skydiving anyone?
- Travel overseas is a big no-go so the romantic international whirlwind trip can be replaced with a lovely brisk 2 metre apart walk around the block. Once restrictions lift, New Zealand towns such as Ruatoria, Dargaville, or Huntly are supposedly lovely to visit.
- Corporate Sponsors may be running dry during this season. The Bachelorette: Isolation in Paradise will now be sponsored by CottonSofts Toilet Paper: CottonSofts – ‘Great for wiping your ass with.’
- With Bauer Media going under, New Zealand’s Women’s Weekly will no longer run a front cover exclusive photoshoot with the happy couple. The winning pair will now appear in Craccum, with a detailed six page spread. Lucky us.