UoA’s new vice-chancellor Dawn Freshwater hit the headlines last year, before she was even able to assume her new position, after it was reported the university had spent $5m on her new Parnell residence. The decision faced significant backlash from students after the university had already cut spending in other areas.
However, little known to students, Dawn herself was against the new property purchase, as she had already paid the deposit on a three-bedroom rental in Balmoral. It has also put a hitch in her other spending plans – plans Craccum were able to get exclusive hold of and unveil for you in this article.
If the university isn’t holding itself together on the inside, at least maybe we can make it look like it is on the outside.
Fixing the current University Hiring Freeze
Hahaha nah. Actually tho?
Hire a guy to stand next to the router and turn the Uni wifi off and on again.
Hello, this is IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Fund The Opportunities Party this election only to get kicked off the board straight afterwards
Gareth Morgan has made himself the Claudio Ranieri of NZ Politics.
Pay for a flight back to Western Australia
Airline travel is pretty cheap at the moment, so long as you don’t mind the contact tracing two weeks after your flight.
The University board has specifically asked Freshwater to diversify their investment portfolio, and Freshwater has seen an imminent opportunity to capitalize on the volatile international markets.
Record We are the World 3: What White Supremacy?
“we are the uni, we hate our students, we are the ones who make this a shitty place with reckless spending”
“there are… arts kids crying, we’ve closed their libraries”
“it’s true we make a worse off place for you and me…”
Professional Marathon training
It is speculated that Dawn Freshwater was highly sought out as a candidate due to her experience in marathon running. This skill was in high demand from the university, as previous VC Stuart McCutcheon also spent a lot of his term running – though it was from his problems.
Hire Mike Hosking to hand out Uber Eats vouchers along Symonds Street
Invent a new way for people not to listen to him.
Make the university “go viral”
In an effort to increase the institution’s exposure, Freshwater delivered specific instructions to Campus Life to help make the university “go viral.” However, a misinterpretation appeared to have occurred when Freshwater discovered all the hand sanitizer stations had been removed around campus.
Start self-quarantining returning students in the architecture building
Dawn Freshwater has decided to flood the archi building with students returning from overseas, which is the only the second-worst flooding the building has ever faced.
Start a Chinese Lion Dance club directly opposite 95bFM to offset the construction noise
The construction has been heavily disrupting the bFM broadcasting schedule, and the university feels terrible for having affected the campus mainstay. To reduce the presence of construction noise, the university would like to establish a Chinese Lion Dance club to rehearse directly opposite bFM. Plans are already being made to mobilize the group to Newstalk ZB to drown out Mike Hosking too.
Open a pizza hut on campus so clubs stop having to pay for delivery
I was just writing jokes in this article, but this one actually is a good idea.
More furniture in the Engineering building
If you don’t manage to secure one of literally five tables scattered around the Engineering building, you face the unfortunate situation of having to wander the building aimlessly for the precious remaining minutes of your break. Sell the Epsom campus if you have to; just put some bloody chairs and tables in the Engineering building.