CONTENT WARNING: The following article contains graphic details of the realities of living with an eating disorder, and descriptions of disordered-eating behaviour and negative self-ideation. Reader discretion is advised.
When struggling with disordered eating, I’ve found writing and creativity to be a safe place where I can transform a painful experience into something that helps me make sense of my world.
Feeling like no one understands how you truly feel can be a huge barrier in reaching out for help. I want people to know that even on your worst days, there is a possibility of connection. Although this piece is dark, I hope it can help someone feel heard and validated, even at their lowest. Recovery is not linear, and some days are worse than others. But, that doesn’t mean you have failed. Even just stepping into the next day can be a huge sign of progress. Ultimately, I know that if I can make it through one of these days, anyone can.
Written by A Survivor
7:07am: Ate dinner last night, so definitely no breakfast for me today!
7:11am: Don’t like food in the mornings anyway. I feel nauseous if I eat before 12.
7:49am: Maybe I’ll treat myself to a medium coffee if I can make it to lunch?
12:01pm: Banana time! BUT weigh it first. Where is my food scale? Where is it?! I swear I measured my peanut butter last night? What if I didn’t what if I ate more than 20 grams shit shit shit
12:04pm: Screw it, I should just wait for an afternoon snack.
12:37pm: Does everyone else just drink coffee with regular milk?! I swear I can’t I feel sooo full and that’s not a safe –
12:42pm: Feeling kinda dizzy, but it’ll pass. Should’ve just had a small coffee ‘cause this is too much I can never finish a medium anyway
12:43pm: “Does anyone else want my cappuccino?”
2:00pm: “Dude do you wanna go to Munchy and get something? I’m craving a pie”
“I just ate, but I’ll walk with you!”
3:27pm: Ok lecture, in 30 mins, if I don’t eat for another 2 hours then I won’t focus and it’s important to focus.
3:47pm: Too late to grab something. Gonna be late. Don’t wanna waste money anyway.
5:07pm: “Dude, you’re shivering.” “Haha, I’m always cold!”
5:09 p.m: Fun fact – years of having an eating disorder causes excessive shivering.
5:10 p.m: Why do they not teach us about ED in psych?!?! Maybe I should email someone.
5:23pm: IT’S SO COLD
5:36pm: It’s fine. Doesn’t happen very often anymore. It’s not that bad really used to be worse could be worse.
5:39pm: I’m so proud of myself.
5:47pm: Only 13 mins to go, then 10 mins to walk home! I hope this lecture finishes early
6:14pm: Check MyFitnessPal before making dinner. Don’t wanna go over calories!!!
6:16pm: 800 left – I can actually have rice today?!
6:18pm: Shit, I don’t think I logged that cookie. No rice just to be safe.
6:52pm: 30 mins on the elliptical, but I’m just doing it to feel good, you know? Wonder how long it takes to burn off a cookie
7:07pm: Ice cream two nights in a row?! I genuinely can’t do that it would ruin EVERYTHING
8:12pm: it’s fine
Just an ice cream.
8:13pm: I won’t do it Iwon’tIwoIwon’tI
8:14pm: C O M P A R T M E N T A L I Z E
8:17pm: I’ll get a sorbet instead
9:07pm: why am I always so fucking cold
10:22pm: Did okay today like almost at 1200 calories exactly if I can just keep doing this everyday-
10:23pm: – won’t really change anything. You’ll always be on medication there is NOTHING you can do, Mom will say.
10:24pm: please stop punishing yourself you did nothing wrong
10:32pm: Don’t tell mom I didn’t go grocery shopping this week or she will worry. Don’t worry mom.
10:46pm: maybe I should just eat breakfast tomorrow?
10:47pm: calorie restriction doesn’t work when you’re on Synthroid it doesn’t work it doesn’t work IT DOESN’T WORK
10:51pm: you’ve known this for years why are you STILL punishing yourself
10:53pm: If I can help just one person just one person this will all be worth it
11:01pm: just listen to some music
11:03pm: need some quiet.
11:03pm: need to stop thinking
11:07pm: fuck I hope tomorrow is not an ED day
11:10pm: hate this feeling there is so much to be grateful for man just be grateful please hate this feeling hate this feeling hate this feeling
11:11pm: Dinner two nights in a row! No breakfast all week it’s decided!!!!!
11:14pm: too cold to sleep
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If you or someone you love is suffering from an eating disorder, there is hope. Call EDANZ on (09) 5222 2679, and speak with your doctor as soon as possible.