I’m not normally like this, I swear
*phew* Okay, I feel I’ve had enough panic and anxiety around all the shit that goes on IN our atmosphere. I think my time worrying about a conflict between two old white guys on the other side of the world has come to an end, there are bigger things than that, right? Like moon phases or the sun vomiting magnetic waves our way. But only 38% of the students we asked believe that these astronomical events can affect us! You know these planetary events hugely impact us right? I mean c’mon, didn’t you hear that MERCURY is going backwards four times this year? No? Well let me enlighten you…
I thought flares were out of fashion?
Oh my days, did you hear about the sun? Apparently every now and then, the sun decides it wants to shoot its energy outwards and sometimes it hits us! I mean, this magnetic energy is strong enough for the arctic sky to start flipping through the colour wheel, so it would have some impact on us, right? After Googling and clicking the first link, I’ve discovered the truth: it says solar flares can trigger mood swings, headaches, and even disorders like Alzheimer’s. Scarier yet, the SOHO telescope, which records solar activity, says there was an M9.6 solar flare (I’m not a scientist, but this number seems BIG) on the 27th of April! No wonder I forgot my sister’s birthday last week, it’s all because of that damn sun! Even other students mentioned the solar flare issue… “when the sun has solar blasts… get me outta here.”
It’s not a phase, it’s meat week at Pak ‘N Save.
The moon is a whole other problem too. This one is closer than ever! It seems to flip from a bright light to a demented black spot over the course of a month. A student says that the full moon energises them and they find it difficult to sleep. It was a new moon a week ago, so no wonder I got no sleep after my bedtime coffee number seven! I did my deep-dive research of clicking the first link of a Google search once again. Cosmopolitan, a trust-worthy, peer-reviewed academic source, has all the answers regarding how we should act during each moon phase. We’re in the waxing crescent phase right now, which according to Cosmo’s scholars, is the time to plan and organise! Finally, the plan I had a few months ago to clean my room and organise my life is finally on paper.
The First-Quarter Moon is coming up next, and this is going to be the first low. Apparently we should be ready to “curl up in bed unapologetically”, which is great! I can miss my cousin’s baptism. Those geniuses over at Cosmopolitan really know how to handle our situations. That full moon terrifies me though! Last time it was a full moon I crashed my mum’s BMW on the way to the Morbius premiere. (If anyone is free to go see Morbius again, I will be seeing it for the ninth time this week with my uncle and we booked out the whole theatre.)
Why Moonwalk when you can Mercurywalk?
Mercury is going to go backwards FOUR times this year. Are you kidding?? A whole planet moving backwards, and I’m worried about the San Francisco Giants making it to the World Series? Mercury, named after the Roman messenger god, governs all of our communication and technology. Which means, in these periods of retrograde where it goes fucking BACKWARDS, we have to really be careful about what we say, especially over technology and texts. During the last retrograde I lost a good friend when I commented LOL on his mother’s funeral post. I don’t know how it happened, but Lots of Love was a miscommunication in this period, so PLEASE be careful.
Keeping track of all these outer-space variables can be a lot for some people. I guess that’s why there are so many deniers out there. But, with a few in-depth Google searches, you can all become an expert like me. Trust me, and the scholars over at Cosmopolitan, when I say it will come with time. The most important thing to remember is that these astronomical events are out of our control, so it is NEVER your fault. The reason that I can fall soundly asleep at night, even during the Quarter Moon, is because I am not to blame for the consequences of any of my actions—Mercury pulling a tactical retreat is.
