Editor’s note: follow this advice at your own risk
Are you sick of being ghosted by job recruiters? Is your whole inbox full of rejection emails from jobs at the bottom of your list? Move over CDES! Here’s the ultimate CV writing guide that you never knew you needed and nobody asked for! Who’s going to employ your unoriginal ass with that bland and formulaic resume? Nobody. Especially if they’ve got working tastebuds.
However, by following these expert tips from someone that marks NCEA essays (while still using Grammarly) and makes coffee for a living, you can add some seasoning to your CV guaranteed to make you stand out from the crowd! With the upcoming internship and recruitment season, it’s time to dazzle your future employers by serving up the spiciest resume on the menu…
Make your personal statement sound as desperate as possible
I’m sorry but the white male CEO who’s going to be paying your wages could not give less of a shit about what degree you’re studying or what your “passions” in life are. That’s the laughing stock of the board room. However, if you spam your personal statement with the following buzzwords that really just get to the point, you’ll be getting a callback in no time! Some suggestions include – “$$$$$$$$”, “workaholic”, “profit-maker”, “obedient” or “easily exploited” to name a few. In a nutshell, just make sure you make it real clear the extent of your willingness to sell your soul to capitalism.
Alternatively, you could borrow a few key phrases from “pick me” boy culture to weave into your statement to showcase a different flavour of ~desperate~. Some examples could include beginning your CV off with “no employers like nice guys like me… unless?” or “it’s okay, I know I’ll be rejected from this position because I’m too ugly and overqualified for the job…”. Nothing beats the irresistible charm of manipulative and misogynistic self-deprecation!
Treat your resume’s aesthetic like your Instagram theme
Don’t be afraid to add in a few emojis! Following on from the previous tip, there’s nothing like using the simp two fingers touching emojis to convey desperation. Or, if you really want to spice things up, a few tasteful eggplant or peach emojis scattered here and there to hold your readers’ attention will do the trick! After all, there’s no harm in catering to the population of CEO visual learners…
Font is another stylistic component of your resume that can be utilised to add some tang! The typical choices of Arial or Verdana are so bland in comparison to other options like Microsoft WordArt, which are not only aesthetically pleasing but also show skill in digital design! Can’t decide on one? Just use multiple! Using fonts like Comic Sans and Curlz can be an advantageous way to detract formality from weaknesses in your CV e.g. bad grades. Because these fonts are strongly associated with irony, hopefully the employer will assume you’re just joking about your criminal record in classic Gen Z humour! Hahahaha… you are, right?
Broaden your definition of “work experience”
Never worked a day in your life? No fear! (Actually, why are you still reading this? Just keep spending daddy’s trust fund!) We all have a lot more work experience than we may believe. The key here is to broaden your definition of “work experience” and suddenly your resume looks a lot less empty. Don’t let some pathetic career website tell you what qualifies as formal employment, this is your CV, you are in charge.
Some examples of how to think outside the conventional definition of “work experience” can come from examining your daily routine. Are you a tidy kiwi and correctly pick up/throw away your litter? (If you aren’t, I’ll be a tidy kiwi and dispose of you appropriately) Then there you go! You have work experience from Auckland Council. Have you ever been stuck on a call with a friend at 3 am who even after 5 long hours of DMCing, still doesn’t follow your advice? You have work experience in emotional therapy and deserve a Nobel peace prize!
On the flip side, if your problem is that you’ve hopped between jobs because you’ve been fired multiple times or have a fear of commitment, that’s also all good! Actually, that may be a sign of a deeper emotional issue—please seek help (preferably from a professional therapist and not from your poor friend through Facebook Messenger). If this is the case, you could tell your potential employer that you’re just dedicated to gaining all sorts of work experience.
Don’t underestimate the value of side-hustles
Show off your part-time ventures, they’re the flavourful garnishes of your resume! Sell feet pics on the side? Be sure to write about your digital marketing and photography experience. Side-hustle as a sugar baby? Don’t forget to include a few lines on your expertise in the aged-care industry. These are all valuable skills any employer would love to have on their team! Bonus tip: You can increase your chances of landing an interview by sending in a few sample photos so the employer can get a feel for what’s on offer 😉
The stars are your best character reference
In need of a character reference? While writing down your best bud’s name and hoping when the employer calls they’ll be a real one and hype you the fuck up is great, there are alternative options that are far more valid. I highly suggest using your sun, moon and rising as a character reference or even attaching your entire birth chart to the back of your resume.
For example, my CV states that I’m destined to be the next Elon Musk and have a musical career as successful as Billie Eilish. What can I say? It’s all written in the stars with my Cancer sun and Pisces rising… Now it’s your turn! What employer can dispute against the divine calling of the planets?
Give your childhood achievements the limelight they deserve
Were you a beast at Mathletics? Did you have the coolest igloo on Club Penguin in your entire Year 5 class? These are all achievements that should be given the spotlight on your CV! They not only prove that you’ve been a legend since birth but can also be the saving grace for the unfortunate people that peaked in primary school. I know for a fact that no matter what happens in the rest of my academic career, nothing will ever top the critically acclaimed The Hunger Games fanfic I wrote at age 12 on Wattpad. And I’m perfectly fine with that.
Honesty is the best policy
It doesn’t take a statistician to work out that most of us are pretty average. No matter what category you’re measuring, whether it’s IQ or height, on the bell curve distribution, the majority of us fall into the mediocre middle. If you’re having no luck even after milking the crap out of all your achievements, it’s worthwhile to try the opposite approach and just embrace being plain-old ordinary. Get honest and specific about your personal qualities e.g. writing “sometimes motivated, usually at 2 am when crippling fear of failure kicks in” or “will get stuff (eventually) done if money is on the line” instead of the typical “I am a highly motivated individual” bullshit. You may not be a genius but hey, at least you’ll get some brownie points for honesty!