Craccum’s guide to keeping yourself out of the heat for all you future celebrities, self-titled “influencers”, and SoundCloud rappers who are ‘about to make it big’
DISCLAIMER: Everything in this article is a joke. Take nothing seriously. I don’t mean any of it (I might mean some of it)—don’t cancel me plz. I will make an insincere YouTube apology to get out of it, so don’t test me.
Don’t have ‘shitty’ political views (aka: don’t be “fake woke”)
It doesn’t really matter which side of the political spectrum your views sit on, there’s someone out in the world who disagrees with you. And if you’re a celebrity, that’s a problem.
Guilty as charged
Kendall Jenner: starred in an ad where she thought she could end racism with a can of Pepsi.
David Guetta: released a George Floyd tribute written off as “the whitest way to react to racism”.
JK Rowling: wrote an essay explaining her opinions on trans issues. It was so poorly received that she’ll forever be “that transphobic author”.
Don’t have old shitty political views
The longevity of the internet has screwed over many celebrities. Back in the early 2010s, many celebrities used new platforms like Twitter to publicly rant about all kinds of identities before they realised that there’s no hiding those kinda views from cancel culture. Be warned: if you’ve ever been recorded saying some problematic shit, it will probably come back to haunt you.
Guilty as charged
Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson: said some less than tasteful things during the height of his wrestling career.
Shane Dawson: made racist jokes in old YouTube videos and ‘defended’ paedophilia.
Zoella: got caught out when homophobic, fatphobic, and sexist tweets from 2010 resurfaced.
But also, don’t not have any political views
Wow, so you just like don’t care at all about the state of the world? You just hate marginalised people then? Disgusting, vile, horrific, HOW COULD YOU?!
Guilty as charged
Taylor Swift: didn’t publicly support a candidate in the 2016 presidential election.
Harry Styles: took “too long” to speak up on the Black Lives Matter movement. He also wore a mask during a pandemic that wasn’t the most effective type of mask—probably because he just hates immuno-compromised people.
Shawn Mendes: was caught out despite his typically un-political internet presence because he once tweeted “‘light skin girls >>’ #shawnmendesisoverparty”.
Don’t try and defend yourself
The unforgiving hand of cancel culture will swing justice in any and every direction. I mean anyone with an influential platform ought to be held accountable to the public somehow. But woah, don’t just like ‘apologise’ for your actions. That apology doesn’t mean shit. You really think it would be that easy to escape the consequences of your own actions?
Guilty as charged
Ansel Elgort: denied allegations that he flirted with and engaged in sexual relations with 17-year-olds during his Fault in Our Stars era. He later posted an apology on Instagram then disappeared from the internet for a year.
OnlyJayus: tried to just “explain away” that one time they used the n word in a text message as a teenager.
Will Smith: can do no wrong. It doesn’t matter what he did; keep his wife’s name OUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.
Don’t have a problematic relationship in public
History has seen a tonne of celebrity couples, some far more scandalous than others. But just because they’re celebrities doesn’t mean they’re exempt from all of us judging their dirty laundry. If there’s one thing I know for certain about cancel culture, it’s that being the toxic one in a public break-up is well within the realm of cancellation territory.
Guilty as charged
Billie Eilish: dated a guy in 2021 who said something offensive on his private Twitter account in 2012.
Joshua Bassett: is the co-star and ex-boyfriend of Olivia Rodrigo and is assumed to be the subject of her album Sour.
Jake Gyllenhaal: knows exactly what he did.
Don’t expect to be popular forever, just because you’re a talk-show host
Years in the limelight where your voice is heard by the masses and your opinions are held in the highest regard don’t absolve you from a scandal or prevent all your successes from crumbling to the ground.
Guilty as charged
Ellen DeGeneres: ended a career of championing lesbian representation in media because she was mean to her crew.
Dr. Phil: caught out for exploiting the vulnerable situations of teens like Bhad Bhabie, even though he hasn’t been a licensed psychologist since 2006.
Sharon Osbourne: defended someone else’s ‘racist’ comments and lost her spot on The Talk for it.
Don’t offend anyone!!!!!
It’s not easy being a celebrity. Like why does all that money mean that everyone suddenly expects you to be a good person? I’ll never know, and neither will any of these people.
Guilty as charged
Sia: made a movie about an autistic person that didn’t feature an actual autistic person.
Janet Jackson: “exposed herself” during the Super Bowl halftime show with Justin Timberlake.
Bruno Mars: appropriated ‘Black culture’ in his music.
BUT, if you do get called out by cancel culture (especially for being a sleazy scumbag), make sure you’re rich enough that it won’t matter anyway!
(not) Guilty as charged
Donald Trump: got shunned from social media by leftist propaganda because you can’t say fucking anything these days.
Elon Musk: was accused of sexual assault, settled the claim with $250,000 dollars or 1/991600th of his net worth.
Celebrities with private jets: wait who was part of this scandal again? Our queen Tay-Tay? Drake? Kim K? Okay, we won’t cancel you, just pinky promise you won’t do it again.
Anyway, I hope this clears things up. I’m off to go explain to 50,000 anonymous Twitter accounts why I had a Michael Jackson phase when I was twelve.
‘Til next time, good luck!
