Madeleine Crutchley and Julia Zhu breakdown the bestselling sex toys of lockdown, telling you which ones are getting the most buzz.
For the most part, it seems that people all across Aotearoa followed the restrictions of lockdown, sacrificing their contact with people outside of their bubble for the greater good. Unfortunately for many horny, single and affection-starved students, the six weeks in isolation was essentially a government mandated dry spell. For happily committed couples (we get it, you’re in love, shut the fuck up), lockdown posed a serious threat; could they potentially become bored of boinking? The sale of sex toys TRIPLED in the 48 hours before lockdown, with people preparing to counteract their loneliness and boredom with an extra buzz in the bedroom. We break down the bestsellers, highlight the best online reviews and give you some hot and steamy tips. Here begins the tour of Silicone Valley.
10) Trinity Silicone Cock Rings
Keeping it basic and effective at number 10. These super cheap rings come in sets of three (with 1.25 inch, 1.5 inch and 2), with the option of three different colours. Perfect for keeping your dick hard.
“Is what it is. Exactly as described.”
9) Fetish Fantasy Series Bondage Tape
For those not looking to commit to the full Fifty Shades fantasy, this bondage tape is cheap and easy to use. It could also double as tape for your usual uni stationary collection. Keep your partner satisfied AND your flimsy Macbook charging cable together.
“Works as intended. Make sure to put on more rather than less so you don’t attempt to tourniquet your limb…”
8) Neon luv Slender G Vibrator
It’s waterproof. It’s battery-powered. It’s bright pink. It’s shaped to hit your G-Spot. And, most importantly for students, it’s under $10. Basically, this is exactly what you picture when you hear the word ‘vibrator.’
“Happy. Very happy.”
7) Anal Fantasy Collection Ass-gasm Cock Ring
This is the Pokémon evolution of your bog-standard cock ring. It’s got a small butt plug attached, which is supposed to stimulate your P-spot as you move. Personally, the name Ass-Gasm is a portmanteau I could live without hearing again.
“Assgasmic. Wow this takes the male orgasm to a whole new level, the first couple of times I used this it wasn’t as exciting as I thought but after the third/fourth time it started getting really amazing!”
“Great toy, makes your penis look very sophisticated. Girls love it ;)”
6) Bodywand Rechargeable Massager
The biggest bonus for this toy is that you can use it WHILE it’s charging, as it has a very long cord. You’re probably the type of person who always forgets to charge their laptop or phone before class, right? Even the most unorganised people need to get some.
“Good bang for buck. Good toy, nice and strong.”
“Good power in all vibration. Good power for enhancement.”
5) OVO Loveballs
A step up for people who have been following those kegel TikTok exercises. These weighted kegel balls, which create a slight rattling sensation when moved, can be used for both stimulation and as a pelvic muscle workout. Chuck on your workout out gear, cue up your fave Cardi B playlist and get those reps in babe!
“Love ‘em. Did the job, turned me on.”
“Balls of fun. Lots of fun, good product, easy to hide away…”
4) Satisfyer Men Wand
This thing has 35 different vibration settings. 35. Like, how many do you need? This is basically a futuristic fleshlight, without the uncanny and creepy light brown lining. In another upgrade, reviews have pointed out this toy is super easy to clean, so there’s no chance your flatties will find it in the dishwasher.
“Very strong vibrations. Well made and durable. A”
“Ahhh, just thinking about this badass mofo gets me super excited!!”
3) Uberlube Luxury Lubricant
Gotta keep things juicy. If you want a break from KY Jelly, get something a little fancy.
“Not too oily and doesn’t leave you feeling like you’ve just poured syrup down there.”
2) Satisfyer – Pro G-Spot Rabbit
This thing looks like an Apple product. You probably wouldn’t even blink walking past it in JB Hi-Fi. They probably wouldn’t have them set up as testers though. It’s shaped to hit both your clit and G-spot, so if you enjoy penetration and clitoral stimulation, there’s not a lot to do but sit back and enjoy the fun.
“I nearly died. I have never cum so hard in my life, this is one of the best vibrators I have ever used in my life, and it just keeps going.”
“Yes. Yes. Oh. My. God. Yes.”
“I screamed and let out the ugliest moan I had ever heard.”
1) Satisfyer Pro 2.0 Next Generation
Chances are, if you know a bunch of people with vaginas, you’ve heard about this toy. It topped the bestseller list in 2019 and remained in the number one spot throughout lockdown. It has 11 levels of stimulation and can be used in the bath or shower, so it’s good for sneaking a quick one in if you’ve got flatmates or still live at home. The toy focuses on clit stimulation, with a mix between pulsation and suction, so if you prefer your clit to be the main star then this is the toy for you! It’s hailed as a pretty fantastic beginners toy, so if the raving reviews do make you curious, this might be a pretty good place to start.
Our resident sex toy expert says: “I heard a lot of people raving about this “sucky toy thing” so I got it after being disappointed with the Lelo Sona 2 Cruise (it’s a similar toy, but LOUD and a bit confusing). The Satisfyer seemed a bit easier to hold and the air pulsing didn’t sound like extremely loud slurping (offputting). The highest intensity almost feels like a high pitched buzzing vibration. Being used to strong vibrators, this suction thing didn’t seem that great to me. It’s interesting and different, but doesn’t seem like ‘enough’? I had to get the plus vibration version to be safe. The vibration helps a bit, but isn’t as strong as a normal vibrator. They’re more on the high buzzing side rather than strong and rumbly. I’ve heard both really good and really bad reviews on it so it must work for some people and not for others!”
“The best toy in the world. It really is. I love it more than I love my children.”
“MY SOUL LEFT MY BODY.”
“I think my toy got here faster than Superman can fly at max speed. Omg I love this toy. Just like Nicolas Cage’s movie gone in 60 seconds. I was gone in 58 seconds jelly legs absolute heaven.”
Bonus Recommendation: Lelo Siri 2
Our resident sex toy expert says: “My first toy was a Lelo Siri I got 8 years ago. It was my main one, still going strong, but it’s a bit louder and feels a bit weaker. Then I heard of the new Lelo Siri 2, being twice as strong and able to move to music! I was quick to buy that one and now it’s my new main. It has 8 pre-set vibration patterns, similar to the original but ‘better’. There’s more variation and spontaneity in the patterns. The sound control mode is also powerful and will vibrate to the tone and beat of any sound nearby. It’s slimmer than the Siri and has a raised curve underneath, so you can flip it over for a more comfortable grooved shape and focussed vibrations. It’s small, compact and powerful. Perfect for travel.”
Partnered with Adult Toy Megastore