The UoA’s Hedonistic Halls of Residence
If you thought putting 30 hormonal teenagers together on a floor sharing *almost* everything would create an abstinent, focused, and mature group of students you must have been either: a) one of the teenagers parents or b) whoever makes the ads for the university’s hall of residences. Either way you have a 95% chance of your child, or ideal resident, not being any of those.
Put a bunch of first years in a room and get them to talk; once they finish rambling non-stop about their old high-school, sex is usually the next big thing they will discuss. First years love to gossip and sex is a drama hot topic in many a first-year dining hall or common room. Between who’s hooking up with who and the many cheating scandals that occur, tongues wag and sauce is spilled regularly. Whilst there are often quite a few rumors, they understate the amount of debauchery that occurs at halls.
Whilst some floors can be more restrained than others, such as non-alcohol and gender split floors, most floors will engage in what is viewed as an inevitability; floorcest. For those lucky enough to not be aware of this term or witness to the act, please cast your lucky eyes to the dic*tionary definition below.
Noun – [Floor-cest]
To commit a sexual act with another resident on your floor.
“Didn’t you hear? Floor 2 keeps having floorcest”
Some floors however take this act and decide to become competitive at it. With Covid, floors were isolated from each other and with clubs closed many residents turned to their neighbor for a ‘study break’. “Floorgies” can and have occurred (I don’t think I need to explain this one to you) resulting in interesting social situations for the R.A in charge of the floor to manage. It took less than 24 hours after move-in for the first act of floorcest to be committed on the floor I was on and it would be followed by 5 more within the next 3 days.
Often a quick flurry of floorcest occurs as residents get to know each other before the social stigmas around fucking your neighbors set in. After this first period, most floorcest stops except for: a) couples which have formed and b) for random couplings. Random hookups are the name of the game, with many strange people leaving the floor in the morning still dressed for town.
For the non-high school leaver halls however, things couldn’t be more different. Sex isn’t really a thing in these halls. It may be discussed or even slightly gossiped about in groups but it does
not reach the same level of intensity that it reaches in first-year halls. Academic intensity has taken over and the drama around sex never reaches a higher peak than the stress of studying. With much older students, the majority of which are already in relationships, floorcest and sex doesn’t occur much except for random hookups.
Being an R.A surrounded by horny first-years is an interesting experience. If you are an attractive R.A, you may get propositioned or flirted with by residents which results in hilarious situations.
Going out to town as an R.A makes this hazard a little bit more dangerous. Whilst out in town you may want to meet someone for a stand, or for something more, but you’d prefer that person not to be someone you’re paid to look after. Meeting someone your age out in town may, for some R.A’s, become a detective game to make sure that your work-life balance isn’t about to become a lot more complicated. Though uncommon, some R.A’s do sleep with their residents; about one a year who is caught. Most R.A’s are already in relationships however or smart enough not to create a larger statistic. Rumors will abound however of R.A’s sleeping with their residents, an issue which always creates drama in the hall and R.A team.
Life in the halls is one made of personal exploration and self-growth. Sexual exploration is a large part of the hall and occurs during the first phase of the year and grows as the year progresses on. Away from home with little supervision, quite a few residents explore their sexuality resulting in many surprising floorcest cases. Some of the strongest friendships I’ve seen formed on my floor were results of sexual exploration between two residents creating close bonds.
Sex from floor to floor, hall to hall, differs widely so take this as one person’s view of the hall’s hedonism. If you’re not at a University Hall of Residence and want to live like a fresher, DON’T hook-up with your neighbor. You’ll more than likely succeed and you’ll soon come to be familiar with the awkward looks exchanged as a result of such floorcest.
Anonymous Moose 🙂