*We understand that you actually can’t leave your house now, so you can work out if you’ve made the right decision.
Celine Goh (First-Year Representative)
They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
It is currently just over a week into lockdown, with me in Auckland and my boyfriend in Wellington. Trust me, I can say, with certainty, that my heart has not grown any fonder. If anything, it’s the other way round.
Here’s the thing: my boyfriend is someone who prefers to spend more time reinforcing his Minecraft mansion than his relationships. Thus, getting replies to my texts is a luxury. In complete contrast, I am someone who needs constant reassurance. Usually, our differences are manageable, where seeing each other allows me to confirm he doesn’t hate me yet. Quarantine, on the other hand, is another story. Being apart for an undefined amount of time plays on all your insecurities, and plants doubts in your mind. Before you know it, you’ve convinced yourself he has definitely broken quarantine to hang out with his Year 11 ex. You pick a fight with him about it, and suddenly you’re dependent on the one-ply toilet paper your mum panic-bought to dry your waterfall of tears.
Onto more positive material: being quarantined together for a month is actually the perfect opportunity to test whether you and your partner are compatible! If you think about it, being in lockdown together is basically a free-trial for marriage, a simulation to see whether you’re strong enough to last through the stress life will throw your way. Making it out of quarantine together is a reassurance that you’re actually in a stable relationship. That means you should recommence the “wedding” board you started on Pinterest back in intermediate.
But, even if you do find out you’re incompatible and bickering a bit too much, don’t lose hope! It’s important to remember that luckily, there’s absolutely nothing tying you down to your significant other. And it could be so much worse. Quarantine could ruin so many of your other relationships. You’re stuck with your flatmates for the rest of the lease and stuck with your family for the rest of your life. If you fight with your boyfriend, on the other hand, you can just have a clean and hassle-free breakup as soon as the lockdown is lifted, with no long term ramifications. Easy peasy.
Chenchen Huang (Vice-President)
As coronavirus ends the public life active within our cities, breakups and pregnancy scares will go through the roof. By maintaining an appropriate social distance from your partner during the lockdown, we avoid both these risks. That’s not to say that it all sucks, but the harms clearly outweigh the benefits.
To start off with, you’re spending a lot of time together. Aside from your state-mandated 30 minutes of exercise per day, you’ll be living under the same roof. You may think that you’ll be able to tolerate all of their cute little quirks, but come day five of the pandemic your fuse will be running short. Their collection of beanie babies is terrifying, the way they leave half-drunk coffees around the house is annoying, and you can’t stand the fact they grind their teeth. Let’s face it. We try to show the best parts of ourselves to our partners, and simply can’t hide all of our bad habits at once. Eventually the conversation will run drier than an Australian January, when you can’t tell your partner any new stories. Most couples have years to prepare for the stage when they’re ready to take a shit in front of each other. Start the trend because of the lockdown, and you’ll be risking a mid-quarantine breakup.
Some might say that not getting laid is a bad thing. I like to keep a positive mindset and instead think about how many babies my partner is not having. Most forms of contraception aren’t 100% effective and having more sex in quarantine means you’ll be rolling the dice for a sneaky surprise come January. Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant and die.
Finally, in case I haven’t convinced you yet, just think of all the free time you’ll have. You’re not going to get the chance to partake in all of the vices your partner can’t stand in May, so now might be your last chance to get it out of your system. I, for one, have reignited a healthy Minecraft addiction. It’s been swell.
Quite clearly, we all ought to practise some social distancing from our partners this month.