Right before exams start, you’re definitely going to get invited to a Halloween party hosted by a friend who has given up on their exams and just wants to get pissed while dressed up like Mario. Here’s our countdown of the top-ten Halloween costumes you’ll see this year:
10: Ellen DeGeneres and George W. Bush: The cutest couple costume out! Look at these two wealthy, complicit friends! Good friendships are built with one friend eroding the rights of the other.
9: A ‘Tik Tok Clock’: Dress up like a giant clock and then start lip-syncing to Old Town Road. Start a new dance craze at the party and get everyone to watch you for 15 seconds.
8: Stuart McCutcheon ‘bravely’ standing up for free speech: Start by dressing up like Scott Morrison – we’re talking a wanky suit and tie. Show up and feign interest in conversation. Then, when something goes wrong, speak for everyone by making wildly generalised statements and denying any problem. When you get called out, don’t apologise and also insist that you can’t say anything because you can’t speak for everyone.
7: Justin Trudeau in Blackface: Dress up in blackface. You’re young, you don’t realise it’s offensive. Just make sure no one takes photographs of this party and the many others you’ve worn racially insensitive costumes to! Wouldn’t want that getting out with a general election ahead.
6: A No-Deal Brexit: The scariest costume of all: what if there’s no trade deal! Dress up with a blonde mop-top wig and if you don’t get your way at the party, call the cops and get the party shut down. No-one can stop you doing what you want now.
5: Jeffrey Epstein and his ‘natural cause of death’: What no he wasn’t murdered don’t be ridiculous. He was just left alone with sleeping security guards for many hours and something terrible happened. Convenient. Show up to the party in a chic orange prison suit. Someone’s following you and slips the bouncer a crisp green elizabeth $20 to not watch out for you as they slip something into your drink. You end the night passed out in the bathroom.
4: The AUSA Executive Election: Choose a group of eight friends to help you host a party. Then, watch five of them bail till there are only three of you remaining. Buy some red cups, a box of beers and the Salsa Doritos and open your doors for the party you’re hosting. No one comes.
3: An outdated government campaign trying to mobilize voters in the student demographic: Hey kids! Get out there and vote. Dress up in flashy gold chains and whatever else was cool about five years ago. Bust out some of that sweet funky street slang to everyone and ‘dab’ your way into the polling booth. Get Stan Walker on board! He’s cool, and he’s ethnic! You’re gonna have a great time if you get jiggy with it and vote!
2: Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes: Watch this couple uncomfortably tongue-kiss on the dance floor in front of everyone. Let them show the whole party how much they love each other and how horny for each other they are. Then catch Shawn upstairs with another man in the spare bedroom whilst Camila’s outside having a smoke and just trying to forget this whole thing is even happening.
1: Belle Delphine and her bath water: Show up dressed in anime cosplay with a bucket of your bathwater. Flirt with everyone at the party mentioning they can buy your bathwater for a nominal fee.
Special mention: Grimace: Someone from the Craccum team (Cameron) will show up in a specialty made Grimace costume. You’ll all be confused until someone hands out the Grimace edition of Craccum and then you’ll be even more fucking confused.