Student flats are notoriously cold and damp. It can be a struggle to stay warm and healthy over a wet Auckland winter. Chipping icicles off of your cold nose can easily become a part of the daily morning routine. However, where ever there’s a problem, there’s a dumb life hack. We dole out some very sketchy advice.
While it’s just a tiny warm box, your oven can provide you with some valuable heat. Go full Trisha Paytas and plonk yourself down on the kitchen floor. The bonus is that your midnight snacks are only a few steps away. Just remember to turn it off; otherwise, you could be in for a rude awakening.
9. A Fever
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Albert Einstein.
Smart man, everything is subjective. So why change the actual temperature, when you can change your experience of it? Why look to external blame, when you can look inside yourself. Crank up that body heat, and everything will be steamy. However, if it’s over 42 degrees, could be in for some severe health complications. Also it usually only lasts 2-3 days, not sure about the costs related to running a fever the whole winter season.
8. Teddy Bear Coat
Those ripoff I.AM.GIA jackets were everywhere last winter, with every white girl on campus wandering around looking like a grumpy sheep. Shed the Glassons stigma and invest in a fluffy coat. Get your money’s worth by never taking it off. If you’re lucky, by the end of the cold season, you might need to have it shorn off your body.
If my stingy Asian parents have taught me anything, it’s that dryers, dishwashers and heaters are a waste of money. So get out those long underwears, layering is the new sexy. Go for tight merino/poly. It’ll keep you dry, and hug you like nobody else can in these cold lonely times. The middle layer is the insulation, much unlike my shitty student flat, pack that good shit in. Heavier wool/fleece is a good option. Finally chuck on a puffer jacket, or a rain jacket. It’ll stop that wind from shivering your bones.
6. Alcohol Blanket
The one thing I learnt from clubbing in Auckland. Miniskirt, heels and crop top… you really don’t get cold if you’ve got enough drinks in you. If I can sprint down the length of Queen Street and not feel a thing, then I can be drunk in the flat while knitting. Love a bit of blood vessel dilation, increasing the blood flow within the epidermis. These thermoreceptors be transmitting those warm signals to your brain, and so you feel cradled and cocooned. Even though you really aren’t.
5. Kmart Blankets
There’s a pretty decent selection. Something for everyone. Mermaid Shimmer Blanket for $9, because who needs their legs anyway? Morph into the couch and finish watching Outer Banks. Otherwise get fancy with a faux fur throw, $8 wine from Countdown, and season 3 of Dynasty on Netflix. Also the classic polar fleece blanket, a staple that can easily be draped over instead of actual clothes for Maccas runs and checking the letterbox for online shopping deliveries.
4. Restaurant Heaters
Order the cheapest thing on the menu (House bread? Peppermint tea?) and sit there to soak up those warm rays. Close your eyes, and it’s almost like you’re frolicking in the Mediterranean summer. The only downfall is that you can’t sleep there, and getting to and fro can be pretty chilly.
3. Electric Blanket
It’s really a guilty pleasure. High-end brands may have an extra foot-toasty function. We reckon just chuck on a thick pair of socks and Kmart is selling them for $22 for a single bed. (Not saying you are single… but you probably are). Not sure about sleeping on electric coils the whole night through, my mum says that if I leave it on the whole night, it’s bad for my body. Well Mum, so is being cold. In the late ’80s there were thousands of electric blanket fires reported in the UK. However in NZ, 11 fires were caused in 2015, so really it’s not that bad? Things obviously improved. Anyways, that event would spring you straight to our no.1 suggestion.
Time to get wholesome. Body heat is the most intimate and heartwarming way to the heart pumping that warm blood juice. Also, actual science medicine says that the most gentle way of heating a body suffering from hypothermia is to give them a great big skin to skin hug. Ask consent though; you may get throat-punched if you start spooning your flatmate. But it could also be a way to get the conversation going on a mutually beneficial arrangement.
It’s 100% scientifically proven that fire is the fastest and most effective way to warm up. Some of you may be lucky enough to have a grand fireplace in your living room, with pictures of past lovers on the mantle. For those without a specified spot, do not be concerned. You have no boundaries to stop your quest to capture the blessed heat. Get a bucket, some petrol, chuck in some old copies of Debate/Salient, and let it blaze. Let the flames spread and consume your overly expensive flat. You’ll never be cold again.