At the time of writing this editorial, New Zealand has just had its third case of COVID-19 confirmed and I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel particularly panicked at all. I know there’s been a lot of hysteria – and whilst we may have more cases of COVID-19 to come, I do have faith in how this ‘outbreak’ is being handled.
Public Health measures are based on informed scientific facts and decisions. Experts in the field definitely know more than ‘experts’ on twitter. Don’t get me wrong, COVID-19 is a real problem. Obeying public health precautions and instructions is important. After all, we do want to limit and stop the spread of this disease. But the absolute panic over face masks, hand sanitisers, toilet paper, and even bread is just completely unnecessary.
This isn’t to belittle anyone who wants to protect themselves – by all means, have good hygiene. This disease can be fatal, it can impact people’s lives and any measure to prevent disease is well worth it.
But the absolute frenzy isn’t worth the stress and the huge disruption to daily life. Keep calm and carry on. You can be worried without being worked up.
With that being said, I want to list some things you’re more likely to catch at the University of Auckland than COVID-19:
- A white supremacist plastering up posters
- Stuart McCutcheon raiding the stationery cupboard before he gaps it.
- Fresher Flu
- A PreMed student stealing notes in the General Library
Be safe and wash your goddamn hands,
Hot damn! This coronavirus stuff is getting crazy! I’ve been busy boarding up the office this week, so I haven’t had much time to shit out an editorial. Instead, I’ll leave you with Dan’s Top Ten Coronavirus Survival Tips:
- Next time you have a lecture, piss on your desk. It’s the only way to make sure others aren’t tempted to use it/spread their disgusting COVID germs across it.
- Self-isolate by picking up a World of Warcraft addiction. It’s sure to keep you away from social gatherings and large crowds.
- If anyone gets too close to you, start coughing and apologise, saying “Sorry, I’m still recovering from my flu-like symptoms. Caught it from the air conditioning on the flight back in.” They should begin to back away immediately.
- Socks and sandals are a natural repellent. Use them prodigiously.
- If coronavirus enters your body, repeat these words: “Stop it, I don’t like it.” Legally, the coronavirus has to leave you alone. If it still persists, call 0800 376 633 to speak to a Youthline Bullying expert.
- Blend up a face-mask and eat it as part of a meal. It’s low on calories and guaranteed to get you SWOLE.
- Stock up on essential supplies like Bibles, white t-shirts, blue jeans, and belts. If the coronavirus approaches you, change clothes quickly and ask if it’s interested in meeting God.
- Coronavirus is only fast in straight lines. If you see one chasing you, run in a zig-zag pattern – the turning slows it down.
- Zig-zags not enough? Try boarding a plane. Coronavirus has been banned from most countries, and probably won’t be able to get a visa in time to meet you in your new city. Bonus points if you cough on everyone on the ride over.
- Stop licking bats and pangolins. Lick moles instead – their natural predator.
- Read Craccum. The World Health Organisation (WHO) notes that COVID-19 is unable to survive in situations of extreme bullshit.
Anyways, I’m off to Party in the Spark now. I’m aware there’ll be loads of person-to-person contact there so I’ll be wearing a condom under my clothes (for protection). Wish me luck!