Famed Pokémon connoisseur Lachlan Mitchell has crafted a quiz to figure out exactly who you really are.
Once again, I’m back with more Pokémon content! Because I have spent way too much fucking money on the games! But rather than wax at length about the franchise, we’re gonna do a quiz together. The premise is simple: we all have our favourite Pokémon, based on their beauty or cutesiness or ironic appeal. But what of the traditionally ugly or loathed ones? I’m not going to ask you to love them, I’m asking you to consider which one you are deep down inside.
Question 1: When scrolling down your Instagram feed and/or recommendations, are you filled with:
A) Total revulsion and bitterness compared to your own miserable life
B) A hesitant acceptance of your place in the world
C) An all-consuming hedonistic lust
D) Love for ur friends and pals xx
Question 2: You promise to pay back your half of the KBBQ feast tomorrow, but your friend forgets to bring this up the next day.
A) You also ‘forget’ to bring it up, and slink away with your victory.
B) You pay them the $28 back in dollar coins and 50c pieces
C) Like a fucking animal, a beast, a mindless behemoth, you eat their leftovers too
D) You say you’ll get them some tikka masala but you get too high to drive :/
Question 3: When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
A) A month ago, any more and you break your pacts with Adrammelech and Asmodeus
B) This morning, but you had orange juice immediately after
C) When was I last compelled to do so by my parents? Dunno
D) Yesterday, in the shower, always in the shower
Question 4: What political alignment do you find yourself closest to?
A) I’m a New Conservative shitbag with a porous brain and I want to die
B) Actually, I evaluated both sides and they’re both stupid
C) Who is John Galt?
D) Mao was right
Question 5: Shapes?
B) Chicken Crimpy
C) Meat Pie
Question 6: You’ve been given control of the party playlist for an hour, who makes an appearance?
A) Rex Orange County, Clairo, Boy Pablo, piece of shit Conan Gray
B) SZA, Beyoncé, TLC, Rihanna
C) Nicki Minaj, Doja Cat, City Girls, Saweetie
D) Rina Sawayama, Bjork, Arca, Slayyyter
Question 7: Which of the following statements is empirically true, and can be cited as being as close to objective fact as one can reasonably suggest in a court of law, one upheld by the strengths of a well-fought and free society?
A) There is an innate quality of human nature inside all of us, but it inevitably leans towards malice and avarice, leaving us little more than barbarians in fine suits
B) Laissez-faire economics is the ruination of global equity and is directly in opposition to the moral prosperity of mankind, however we choose to measure it
C) Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend in The Devil Wears Prada (2006) held her down with his insecurities and petulant mind games, and is the real antagonist of the movie
D) Speaking ill of the dead is a needless taboo, for when is there a better opportunity to remark on the sum of one’s existence than the snuffing of the spark of life
Question 8: Who was the first Pokémon?
Mostly As) You are Ambipom, the embodiment of ugliness and irredeemable repugnance
Mostly Bs) O’ Luvdisc, you have a pleasant visage, but will never have purpose in life
Mostly Cs) Crabominable is your burden, your curse, and you shall forever be miserable
Mostly Ds) I love you Garbodor, may blessings be upon you, may your spirit shine for eternity
Done! Your results are final, and forever reflect upon you. Have fun!