The Flop’s Guide to Unfathomable Success
Let’s face it. You’re “artsy” and you’re completely fucked because of it. You can’t imagine anything worse than closing the loop and Corporate Erin TikToks make you physically repulsed. Don’t worry, I get it, and I have a fools guide to overnight fame and endless fortune for the budding creative. Just sign the imaginary waiver that I am not responsible for the consequences if things get messy on your journey to EGOT status.
Option 1 – Be the best
Simple problems have simple solutions. If you want to be the best in your field, a good place to start is actually already being better than everybody else. There are a number of ways you could go about this, but most people choose the “Child Prodigy with Savantic Talents” route. It’s not too late for you first years, but those of us entering geriatric territory could also opt for the alternative – do something so niche that nobody else can. If it works for PhD candidates, it can work for you too.
If you’re talentless or otherwise not the best at what you do, keep reading.
Option 2 – Kill the competition (literally)
This is where we start getting messy. Like all fans of the iconic modern slasher “Pearl” know, success is just a few murders away. It’s even better if you scream “I’M A STARRRRRRR” when you do it, but it’s not absolutely necessary. Don’t feel bad, they were simply in the way to your inevitable stardom and needed to be dealt with before you could realise your true potential. If you aren’t looking for a Lady Macbeth style psychological descent, I have one last pathway for you.
Option 3 – Fuck your way to the top
Pornography is one of the most in demand markets for up and coming artists, just ask Barry Keoghan and Jacob Elordi. I’m not implying they seduced their way into success, just that I would let them if they tried to. I know that everybody wants to see you naked, frolicking through a mansion and I think you should let them. Whether it’s starting an OnlyFans or subtly blowing the director for a solo, your sexual exploits are your last resort to stardom. Feel empowered to use the backdoor for success, literally. I know you can do it.
