Conversations about consensual non-monogamy with Dr. Jessica Maxwell and PhD student Gina Broom.
Two first years and a postgrad, who are having the worst week of their life, walk into Shads. After a while, one of the first years turns to the postgrad and says, “hey, my partner and I saw you from across the bar and were really digging your vibe! Can we get you a drink?”
Whether this is your worst nightmare, or a dream come true, I’m sure you’ve heard some opinions about it. After dipping my toes into this world earlier in the year, I’ve talked to Dr. Jessica Maxwell from the school of Psychology, and PhD candidate Gina Broom, who is currently researching people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships.
I wanted to get their take on how couples should approach consensual non-monogamy, and what society might not be telling you.
“It often feels like one partner starts opening up the relationship and the other partner just goes along with it. How can someone ensure they are being equal when bringing up CNM?”
Jessica: Focusing on equality isn’t always going to be realistic. You’re not always going to be in a situation where you and your partner want the same thing, and the power dynamic between you and your partner is not always going to be completely balanced. Sometimes you just have to have the conversation and have it respectfully. Be careful that you’re not coercing your partner and that you’re trying to open your relationship for the right reasons.
These kinds of conversations are very similar to the conversations you will have when talking about any other big change. Think about your motives. When talking to your partner make sure you’re sensitive and be direct—don’t avoid the issue. When you open up your relationship, do it to achieve something good, rather than to avoid something bad. If one partner is only going along with the other to avoid a breakup, things won’t end well.
Gina: The idea that someone brings up CNM and the other person just goes along with it is a bit of a myth I think. I also think it’s quite a harmful myth, it makes out the person who wants CNM as a bully who wants power. Someone wanting CNM is going against societal norms and will usually have less power. Society will always be happy to support someone who doesn’t want CNM, but the opposite isn’t always true.
Thinking about CNM as something people are forced into takes away people’s agency. If one partner can push the other into something they don’t want, that’s an entirely separate problem from non-monogamy. Having kids is a bigger decision than engaging in CNM, but we have those conversations all the time. If you have a supportive relationship, the ‘social suicide’ of engaging in CNM is going to be much harder than the interpersonal aspsects.
What should couples discuss before they open their relationship for the first time?
Jessica: People always talk about rules. Don’t call them rules, think about them as comfort levels and boundaries. Setting a lot of hard rules can be gatekeeping and that can be really hard to manage without someone feeling restricted or feeling like they’re ruining others’ fun. Talk about how often you’re going to get STI tested. Do you want to know about your partner’s dates? Do you want to know before or after? Make sure you plan to talk about your boundaries again. People change and so do their boundaries so it’s really important to make plans to regularly review what you and your partner are comfortable with. Sometimes you don’t know what you need to talk about before you start CNM and keeping lines of communication open is essential to get ahead of any issues before they arise.
Gina: Avoid gatekeeping, talk about how you feel instead, i.e: “when I think about this, it makes me feel like this.” In a relationship where you care about each other, talking about your feelings will encourage good discussion and help you set boundaries in a way that everyone can be happy with.
Make your decisions together and make them based on talking about how you both feel. Don’t necessarily avoid something because you’re unsure about it. All feelings are okay and valid. But, take some time to step back and make your decisions after you’ve had time to think. It’s a really good idea to have both you and your partner discuss how you both visualise CNM working. If you both have different visions it’s better to come to an understanding now, rather than when someone gets hurt.
How do you deal with jealousy in an open relationship?
Jessica: People worry a lot about jealousy in CNM but baseline jealousy in monogamous relationships is high. The things that cause jealousy are not unique to non-monogamous relationships and there’s even evidence that people in CNM relationships are more equipped to deal with jealousy. In an open relationship, you can even end up in a situation where you have positive feelings when your partner is engaging with other people. Over time, people find their jealousy decreases when they’re in a CNM relationship.
Gina: Cultural norms are the biggest difference between CNM and monogamous relationships. In our current culture, jealousy is often portrayed as something that only happens when something is wrong. Either someone is doing something to make their partner jealous, or they’re being insecure. In both of these cases, someone is made out as wrong or bad. People think of jealousy as a massive alarm bell and they should probably treat it just like any other emotion. It’s okay.
Jealousy is focused on this idea of an outside invader replacing you and you don’t have to think of it that way—you’re not interchangeable. Monogamy teaches us that we have one partner slot that we just swap people in and out of it until we’re happy. But it’s not really like that; if a parent died you couldn’t just sub another parent in. You can have someone that fills that role but you can never replace that person completely. Instead of focusing on the outsider when you’re feeling jealous, talk to your partner, say “Hey I’m feeling squiggly, can we go on a date?”. If you reconfirm or rebuild that strong connection you have with your partner, then where is the threat? Just trying to eliminate all outsiders isn’t a long-term solution.
Conclusions
So does all this mean you should start opening your relationship immediately for fear of missing out?
In short, no.
Non-monogamy definitely isn’t for everyone, and both Jessica and Gina agree that your own personal experience should reign supreme. Just don’t let pop culture scare you from trying something new. When things go wrong in CNM, people are very fast to assign blame to the structure of the relationship, but Gina points out that it would be silly to question monogamy just because cheating happens. People’s experiences are valid but don’t make your friend having a bad threesome a dealbreaker. People like to talk about extremes so we only end up hearing about open relationships when they go catastrophically wrong or when they go flawlessly.
If your experience doesn’t line up with what you’ve heard, it doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong. Ultimately, as long as you feel loved and respected by your partner and they feel loved and respected by you that’s all that matters.
Based on my own personal experience I think that what Jessica and Gina have said makes a lot of sense. I feel closer to my partner since we started experimenting with CNM, and I think it made me challenge a lot of the assumptions that society gives us about relationships.
Instead of focusing on if my partner fits into a neat little box like society says they should, I’m thinking about my connection to them and how we support each other better. This definitely feels a lot healthier and I think has improved our relationship beyond my wildest dreams. You don’t need to cast out monogamy. But, it might be time to stop thinking about the structure of your relationship and start focusing on the connection you share. Even if you stay strictly monogamous, I think you and your partner will feel closer than ever before.
If you’ve just started experimenting with CNM or thinking about trying something new over the summer, Gina is running a study next year and is looking for people to talk to. If you’re interested email gbro379@aucklanduni.ac.nz