Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you.
What should I do to overcome the failure to distinguish Whittakers’ 72% Dark Ghana and 50% Dark Block, even after the lockdown, when I had one block of each every week. Yes, 250g each every week.
First of all, mad respect. Second of all, I think you might need to go to the hospital.
How do I find a hotdog?
Look into your heart; it’s been inside you all along.
I am seriously so thrilled that this was an actual question someone thought of, wrote down, and believed in enough to submit. It really tells me that I’m doing something very right. Where is my Pulitzer already?
What is a sense of humour?
The thing I use to distract from the aching void where my soul should be.
CRACCUM’S CRACKIN’ TIP: BACK TO SCHOOL EDITION
There’s nothing worse than that first day back alarm that cuts through your dream about Chris Evans and a fishing line (don’t ask). Here are five ways to make sure you don’t miss that all-important first lecture; how will you pass if you don’t see your new lecturer’s introductory slides about their dog?
- Sign up for a sunrise yoga class. That way, you’ll wake up at 5:00am every morning to think “fuck, no WAY am I going to that bullshit” and play on your phone until it’s time to get up.
- Rig an intricate trap that will set your house on fire if you don’t disable it by 7:00am. The terror should carry you through.
- Drop out. Boom, no early classes. Problem solved.
- Hire a trombone player to place the end of his instrument beside your ear and play a vigorous A Flat at 6:30 every morning.
- Try crack. Usually makes people pretty energetic.