Who Asked You

Welcome to Craccum, where we put the “agony” in “agony aunt.” We’re not qualified to deal with your problems, but neither are you. 

I love my partner very much but I want to spice things up in the bedroom – I’m keen for a threesome but he is not so sure. What do we do?

What should you do? Somethin’ frisky, it sounds like. *ba dum tiss*

You two love birds need to have a good ol’ heart to heart, before the good ol’ dick to dick (or whatever combination of genitals you’re into). Talking about boning down before the commencement of the boning is awkward as hell, but it’s necessary. At least, I imagine it is. What do people in relationships do? Do they write each other poems about this stuff?

It’ll be important to figure out if your fella is nervous but into it, or actually just straight up doesn’t want to, because only the former is sexy. Terrible jokes aside, you should never pressure anyone to do anything, all decisions need to be mutual.

If your guy is really not keen, and this is something that is really important for you to have in a relationship, then you need to decide if you’re fundamentally compatible; could be convo about opening up the relationship. We love a bit of consensual non-monogamy, but only if all parties are happy! Otherwise just take it as a loss and like, I dunno, watch The Notebook? Read Fifty Shades? Seriously, what do couples do? 

My university is obsessed with profit, unresponsive to student needs, and refuses to properly condemn the far-right. How do incite a coup?

Hey, mine too! What a quinky-dink. 

To be fair, it kinda seems like the coup has already happened (adios Mr McCutcheon, you will be sorely missed – Alexa, play “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”). 

For anyone who doesn’t know, our new VC used to work for the Uni of Western Australia and was appointed to our trashfire kingdom unanimously (rad). Professor Freshwater, I swear to god, our entire university is begging you to live up to your amazing surname. Lord Jesus Son of God knows we need some fresh blood around here. She is a professor of mental health (according to the Uni website) so fingers and toes and eyes crossed that she can do something about…I mean…just…all of this. 

But yeah, our leadership just straight up didn’t condemn white supremacy. Isn’t it wild how that just, like, happened? And we all just kinda had to accept it? Jesus, we are living in the worst kind of simulation. Does that count as advice?