Search up money tips and you’ll be overloaded with advice on budgeting and investing but there’s an issue: they’re all tips for law-abiding citizens with self-control and worse, they assume you actually have money. How the fuck are you supposed to invest your savings if you blew it all on a gram last weekend? Here are six financial tips for horrible people because being good hasn’t gotten you anywhere.*
1. Don’t pay your taxes
If someone like David Seymour is your role model, this one will already be on your radar. Why should you give up your hard-earned money (but let’s be honest: you just watched TikToks all day, didn’t you) for lazy buggers (also you, claiming course-related costs for piss and drugs)? Fuck the social contract, and fuck the IRD.
Pros: The entire country could know you’re a tax dodger and you could still stay out of prison, even if you were the president or something.
Cons: You have to be relatively financially savvy to get away with it and if you were, you wouldn’t be reading this, would you?
2. Self-checkout fraud
Whatever you have in your shopping basket, it is now a bag of brown onions. Eggs? Brown onions. Instant ramen? Brown onions. A family-sized bag of Doritos that you’re probably gonna finish in one sitting? B.R.O.W.N O.N.I.O.N.S. This is how you ACTUALLY shop smarter. But if you hear “unexpected item in the bagging area”, you should probably run.
Pros: The dead-eyed and overworked cashier isn’t being paid enough to give a shit.
Cons: You can’t put alcohol through unless you want to draw unwanted attention from an overzealous manager.
3. Throw yourself in front of a car
In a smart, calculated way, of course. The car can’t be TOO nice (a Porsche driver will sue you into oblivion), but if it’s not nice enough, you’ll walk away less damaged than the car. Choose wisely. A Mercedes is a safe bet. They’re built solidly enough to give you a non life-threatening injury, and the driver is probably a busy business person driving around doing business things. With any luck, they’ll chuck some cash at you to make the problem (you) go away.
Pros: You might meet the love of your life. Every great romance starts with a motor vehicle accident, right?
Cons: If you get hit by a BMW they might drive away, and you don’t get any money if it’s a hit and run.
4. Sell clean urine
Picture this: one of your dear friends has to pass a drug test tomorrow to obtain their forklift license. But there’s one problem -they were absolutely cooked two days ago, and just found out that some illicit substances can stay in your system for at least three days. That’s where you step in and sell them your clean piss. Sure, it might not be very healthy, after all, you’re severely dehydrated and consume far too much sodium on a daily basis. But you can’t afford drugs so it’ll be clean at least. To prepare a batch, simply drink five litres of water and coffee, piss into your least favourite flatmate’s mug, and distribute the contents into little containers. Liquid gold.
Pros: You could diversify your market and sell it to the same freaks that will literally spend hundreds of dollars on bathwater.
Cons: What if you give clean urine to someone like a truck driver and they get behind the wheel while still under the influence? What if there’s an accident? The guilt will haunt you forever… just kidding. But you might get pee on your hands, which is arguably worse.
5. Sell an organ
Are you really gonna use that second kidney? Start thinking about your priorities. You’re not gonna be sitting around appreciating your pancreas if you can’t afford to eat. Now, you might be thinking: “Christina, where the hell am I supposed to sell my organs?” Easy! Depop is a great platform to unload secondhand crap at astronomical prices. Simply tag it as #vintage and #y2k, caption it as “the cutest liver ever! Used a lot but still functional!” and watch the money roll on in. They’re desperate, you’re desperate, it’s a win-win, really. Of course, you could always donate organs to someone in need but since when do charitable acts pay your bills?
Pros: Buyers won’t care about the quality of the organs from your drug-addled, car-damaged body if they’re desperate.
Cons: Potential of sepsis from your DIY hack job.
*For legal reasons, this is all a joke. Mostly.
Illustration by Gabbie De Baron