A fortnight ago, Vice-Chancellor Dawn Freshwater confirmed that the university would be hiring for a new Provost role. Essentially filling a ‘deputy’ responsibility to the Vice-Chancellor, Freshwater notes the Provost will be the direct report for the faculty deans, as well as assist with delivering the university’s academic plan. Recruitment has begun immediately for the role, and with the current hiring climate being very competitive, Craccum would like to impart our knowledge of the most sought-after skills by this university to any hopeful Provost candidates.
Good Zoom connection
Like Engineering knows how to host a good stein, or like Dunedin students know how to party, our Vice-Chancellor Dawn Freshwater knows how to host the most lit zoom webinars, hosting one to 2000 staff every week. In order to fit in with Dawn and friends, the ideal candidate would definitely need the ability to join a Zoom call without cutting out. Lip reading is also preferred, as you will inevitably miss out on what Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic) John Morrow is saying when he forgets to unmute, however it is not essential, as half of what he says isn’t important anyways.
Can teach New Start classes
With Dawn Freshwater deciding lecturers in the university’s New Start programme, designed to support students who require extra academic support or mentoring before entering university, would have their salaries cut, the future of the programme has become unclear. The incoming provost would have to be capable of sacrificing their own time to single handedly teach every course. They will also be tasked with relating to the prospective students, many of whom come from low-decile areas and less-fortunate backgrounds. This alone is a task untenable for the Vice-Chancellor, who is on a $700k salary – $10k of which is funded by voluntary staff pay cuts.
Can speak poor Te Reo.
If you can’t absolutely butcher the phrase “tena koutou” at the start of your Staff Engagement meeting, then honestly, what do you even want this job for?
Will voluntarily take a paycut on Dawn’s behalf.
Dawn’s been under a lot of pressure to take a paycut. What better way to do it than to delegate that task to someone else? A key part of your job as Provost will be taking the heat on Dawn’s behalf. That means taking the pay cut for her too. Come on, be a good sport – you’re helping out the university.
Able to sign a legally-binding accommodation agreement that would extend over the duration of another lockdown.
You’re telling me students can cancel their accommodation contracts just because the university isn’t providing them with accommodation any more? That’s bullshit! How the fuck are we supposed to make money here. Any Provost stepping in to help out has to be willing and able to bind students into legally dubious and probably not enforceable contracts for the rest of their life, a la Satan.
Can answer calls at AskAuckland
International students are the lifeblood of this goddamn economy! Without them the university is basically broke. After the university pays for all the essentials – heating, water, rent, and Dawn Freshwater’s $700,000+ yearly salary (which, obviously, could never be reduced to help out the university) – there’s barely enough left to pay for the Northern Club memberships, let alone AskAuckland. Any Provost coming into the university has to be willing to pick up the slack leftover by all the AskAuckland staff Dawn will be firing to give herself a raise later this year.
Able to last ten seconds in the ring with Winston Peters
This is the main reason Stuart McCutcheon had to resign. Ol’ Winny P took him out in round 2.
Willing to hand out Uber eats vouchers on Symonds street
The university is always looking to create new revenue streams. Handing out Uber eats codes is an easy way to make a couple bucks, so chuck on your best smile and a faded Uber t-shirt and get out there!
Able to work weekend shifts at UniSushi.
Show that you can put on a bright, customer service smile, convincing students and staff that you’re a valued part of the university community and not just leeching off incessant and unstoppable bureaucratic processes! You’ll be a shoe in.
Able to take the blame for stupid shit your boss does.
No, YOU’RE the one with the million dollar mansion. Stop gaslighting your superiors! Make sure the press hears you say “I suck and I caused all this” at least once a day. Your job is basically the same as Barney in How I Met Your Mother (for all you uncultured swine: you’re the fall guy). If you could go ahead and convince them that you’re the one who caused the community transfer of COVID, that’d be great too.
