The Mystery of the Pee Bag

Working at Craccum is truly an interesting experience. We have shit yarns, stress over deadlines and sometimes get free stuff. 

Many of the shit yarns we have in office end up as articles or at least referenced for our own amusement (sorry it’s wanky I know). The stress of deadlines on top of our own uni work means sometimes something slides in between either articles we write or assignments we do. But the free stuff – that is a pretty decent perk. We occasionally get free samples of products to review, or tickets to pass on to our lovely writers, which makes it thoroughly worth having to lunge over puddles of piss outside our office door in the morning.

But this week our beloved Craccum office got a free delivery of something rather…. unexpected. While working hard at the office at 6:30pm on Tuesday, on our doorstep we received a mystery AUSA bag filled with goodies. What were the goodies you ask? Condoms. But these condoms were not in wrappers. Each condom had been filled with a yellow liquid, that I can only hope is apple juice (if not y’all need to hydrate). Interestingly, each condom had been tied together so it was a massive bunch, resembling that of bunch of grapes, all contained in that white AUSA bag. But even weirder still, I haven’t seen it since that night. After pushing it to the side to deal with later (classic me) I have returned to the office and myself and the Craccum staff haven’t seen it again. And I just have So. Many. Questions.

Was this a prank? Was it even a prank on us? Did you drop it on your way to something? I need answers! If you did pee in them, how long did it take? There were easily 15 filled liquid balloons so surely that must have taken some time to accumulate. Did you just pee into condoms for a week? Or did have friends you did this with? Because if you did, you kinda had to handle your mate’s piss while tying all of them together in a big bundle. And on that, why even tie them together? That is a lot of effort to make it easily disposable. I don’t know why you thought this would offend us. Your piss was nicely contained, so it was very easy to lunge over and not ruin my shoes. Did your parents not love you so this was a cry for attention so you could finally be noticed in the student sphere? If it wasn’t piss what was it? Why would you waste apple juice like this? Why the AUSA bag? What is the significance of it? WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO? Did you pick it up because you lost it? Did you regret it? Did someone else pick it up and think “ah just what I was looking for”? Was it all just performance art? 

Of all the questions I have, there is only one thing I can be certain of: you definitely had no other use for those condoms.