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WeVibe Touch X
Two Boobs Johnson
When the call went out for vibrator test subjects, a guy I was in a situationship with at the time insisted that I get amongst. He claimed that (as a vibrator virgin) I was missing out on something he assured me would ‘blow my mind,’ and as much as I hate to admit it, he was right.
While it wasn’t quite as quiet as I’d hoped, the TouchX’s eight intensity levels and seven patterns of vibration made it worth the risk of being heard. Being a newbie, I found myself leaning towards the standard vibration mode. Anything above the second level poses a pretty substantial threat of being audible through thin walls but rest assured, the next time I’m home alone I’ll be pushing eight.
Its little satin bag and distinctly non-phallic design make owning a sex toy feel less seedy and more classy; an it-girl approach to jerkin’ it. Honestly, I really like this toy and if a complete vibrator novice can make it work on her first try, imagine the potential for those who actually know what they’re doing.
7/10
Lovehoney Deluxe Wand
Georgina Brooker
As an “illustrious” girlie who keeps a “wank bank” in the notes app, I was hopeful that this little baby would send the May self-love count skyrocketing.
First thing to note: this toy is the size of a small child. Good news? Provided you don’t use it with an unwrapped willy, it’s not going to be a placeholder until you’re holding a real one.
It wasn’t a super quiet run. There’s one specific vibration mode that sounds like you’re blasting Formula 1 on TV. Luckily, my flatmates were off at church—I think it’s a nice sentiment that we both saw god that night. I finished the race with multiple orgasms #slay. I’d imagine this wand would be great for partner play, but I actually just called it quits on my situationship.
Downsides? The head was a little too big. Also, it isn’t removable, which makes cleaning a bit of a pain. Still, this darling came with better head than any man has xx
8/10
We-Vibe X Lovehoney Nova 2 App Controlled Rechargeable Rabbit Vibrator
Fiona Femcel
Tinder. Hinge. Bumble. Grindr. Childhood friends. Mediaeval courtship. Selling my hand in marriage. Fanfiction. Being preyed upon as a preteen on Omegle. Applying for Married at First Sight. Sugar daddies of questionable profile pic validity. None have provided me the level of pleasure that the Nova 2 has achieved. Never have I had such a strong, healthy, communicative relationship as the one I share with the Nova 2.
Neither myself nor my flatmates would conclude that my new best friend is at all quiet—-especially when I started to play around with my favourite feature, the app. The We-Vibe app works a lot like Spotify, allowing you or others to pair any of their range of toys to your phone and curate playlists of vibrations. The only improvement would be a Wrapped feature, but it’s still early days.
Not at all discrete, but certainly quieter than any man and lasts much longer. Bury me with my Nova 2.
11/10
Lovehoney Mantric Rechargeable G-Spot Vibrator
DiscoWankParty123
First of all; when did they start making vibrators so goddamn pretty?? She’s sleek, cute and pink—plus she has moodring-esque lights that change with not one, not two but EIGHT settings. Shit’ll have you feeling like you’re throwing yourself your very own disco-wank party!
Despite its underwhelming stature (an initial worry upon unboxing), this vibrator really delivered on efficiency and reminded me; it’s okay to enjoy the little things in life! In short, it gets the fucking job done. Given the approaching deadlines of the semester, it’s nice to know Lovehoney guarantees a way to release exam szn frustration fast (so you can get back to revising like the pitiful little nerd you are). In all honesty, I didn’t get around to trialling all 8 settings (a further testament to said efficiency) but the three I test-ran were highly satisfactory.
A special shout-out to the fact she’s not too loud–if your walls are thin, you can get off whilst sparing your flatmates the knowledge of what you’re up to.
9/10
Lovehoney Sensual Glass Curved Beaded Dildo
Corporal Cunt
This toy is not only beautiful, but functional too: it is incredibly sturdy despite being made of glass (so no, it won’t break), and is fantastic for temperature play. Putting it in the fridge for an hour or so leaves it nice and cool and your skin tingling when it brushes over it. Alternatively, you can leave it in a bowl of semi-hot water to warm it up, making it great for a sensual body massage: I tried both of these with my partner and she loved them, but I admit it might be tricky to do solo. In terms of penetration it requires a slow pace and small movements given its rigidity, but this can still be a fun time for someone who is fine with smaller sizes; it’s not very big, so not the best for any size queens out there like my gf. It is just the right size for putting in someone and eating them out while it’s inside, just make sure you put a towel down if you don’t want to be sleeping in a wet patch after!
9/10
Fifty Shades of Grey Anticipation Faux Leather Collar & Lead
Sergeant Squirts
Whether you’re looking to boss someone around or to be bossed around, the collar and leash provides a world filled with authority, closeness and a slight bit of chafing. The quality of this black leather would leave even a rockstar jealous, though flipping this reversible collar over to the “red roses” side makes you wish the design team had someone on it other than a bunch of wine mums with unfulfilling sex lives.
If you are on the smaller side, you will unfortunately have to poke holes into something other than your partner for the night. The strap to secure the collar was a bit long, so a bit of kiwi ingenuity came in handy to remedy this minor issue. All in all, another beautiful piece has been added to my collection, a perfect piece for anyone wanting to test the waters of the kink lifestyle.
8/10
Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Vibrator
Dill Doe
The Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Vibrator, a delight for your weary downstairs muscles and your not-so-weary imagination. It penetrates and stimulates your clit at the same time, a two for one punch to the gut. 😛 With its jiggling and wiggling antics, it kind of feels really good.
But let’s not judge a bunny by its jiggles alone. Let’s talk about its appearance, shall we? The Jessica Rabbit looks like the result of a wild night out in the toy factory. The truth is, I’d never seen anything like it before. At first glance, this contraption resembles a cross between a rabbit, a disco ball, and your mum.
And let’s not forget about the (not so) delightful sound effects that accompany this magical journey. I must admit, the Rabbit is not your average decibel-deficient contraption when the vibration is turned on, and I would be wary of anyone’s home.
Overall, I’d say the vibrator was a mild hit, although it’s funny looking and I personally could not get past that.
7/10
Lovehoney mon ami Wearable Couple’s Massager
The Ghost of Orgasms Past
This is a couples massager and despite being in a couple I found it difficult to make it work. Maybe this shape just doesn’t work for us. It’s labelled as hands free but it’s definitely difficult to keep in place without holding and readjusting regularly. Though I consider myself considerably flexible, enough to enjoy most positions; this toy just didn’t work in a single position for more than 5 minutes at a time. My boyfriend was able to finish but I personally just gave up.
The settings are really great though and the modes are perfect. I’d use it on my own for a certain fixation but it’ll definitely be handheld in that case. The third mode was our favourite. If you ignore the part where you cumbersomely hold it in place, it really does do the trick. Though when it comes to enjoyment I’d like a little more than just doing the trick. Overall: it works for just me, it works for just him, but together it just doesn’t. And I think that was supposed to be the point.
4/10