Over the mid-semester break Craccum received a package in the mail that contained various ‘massage apparatuses’ from Lovehoney. None of our writers have made it out of their beds since. They have, however, managed to take a break from their continuous orgasms to write a live report for you, dear horny Craccum reader. Read on to find out which toys are good enough to replace a partner—because if you’re buying a sex toy in this economy, it’d better be worth it… if you know what we mean ;).

Lovehoney X ROMP Switch Clitoral Suction Stimulator

Joe Mama

Okay, so this Miss Thing took me by surprise. Don’t let her small size fool you, she’s pretty well-powered (comes with batteries!) to do the job.

Compact, grippable, gender-neutralish purple design—she packs a punch for the price. She’s giving you six intensity levels using “Pleasure Air Technology” and a 300 minute runtime. I couldn’t tell you what Pleasure Air Technology is but it feels pretty good, let me tell you.

Its biggest disappointment has to be the slow-response time in shutting the fuck off. You know when you’re done doing what needs to be done, and almost instantly everything needs to STOP or your clit will fall off? Well, unless you establish a mind-toy connection where you can synchronise an orgasm with the switch off, you may get your clit fried a bit until you adjust. The shutdown button isn’t as reactive as some may desire, so just a heads (so no head?) up.

For the poor man (or gender anything person), it’s a good enough wanna-be Satisfyer Pro 2 for the struggling, sexed-up student. 6.9/10.

Lovehoney Deluxe Rechargeable Mini Metallic Massage Wand Vibrator

Anastasia Cumin

The Deluxe Rechargeable Mini Metallic Massage Wand Vibrator from Lovehoney is a fun, two-in-one toy that can serve orgasms and relieve muscle tension.

It has seven different patterns, each with ten intensity levels. The first pattern is just your classic vibration and can get a girl there quickly. I don’t think the other patterns are as efficient for climaxing, but they’re still fun to experiment with. If your sexy time was body-pump-class-esque, or you just have some tight muscles, the toy’s other patterns come in clutch. Because the vibrator is much more compact than a massage gun, you can easily target hard-to-reach knots.

The ribbed head of the toy is super flexible, making it easy to manoeuvre into the spots that feel best. However, the head ribbing doesn’t add to the experience and makes cleaning a bit more difficult. Another con is that it’s a bit loud. Not so loud that your entire household will hear it, but the kind of loud that you might want to make sure your flatmate is watching TV or at least not in the room next to yours before you turn it on.

This vibrator is a cute addition to a person’s toy collection. It’s compact, easy to use, and offers plenty of variation.

My ilo Remote Control Rechargeable G-Spot and Clitoral Vibrator

Dom Draper and Pegged Olson

When my bum buddy and I sought after some spice for our next visit to Lula’s Inn, what better way to top off the viaduct view with a top-of-the-line orgasm that’s at a stranger’s fingertips?

We almost achieved this dream; courtesy of Lovehoney.

The My ilo Remote Control Rechargeable G-Spot and Clitoral Vibrator is a butler that can work many charms, as proven by our inability to make it to the door. However, its flattened shape combined with the edges is slightly off putting. The vaginal walls definitely learned their lesson with this one.

Any idealist, like ourselves, wishes to subtly equip this boneshaker unbeknownst to the thanked bus driver. Even with its clearly orgasmic movements, it seems the stimulator screams louder than us. You can hear the exploration of nine vibrations as they are frantically scrolled through using the singular button on the remote. One fatal misclick and you, unfortunately, have to trudge all the way through the vibrations to get back to your pleasure paradise.

This trembler does the trick, but a slight change in shape, intuitive controls, and a discrete approach to the vibrations would mean our next venture to Pak‘n’Save wouldn’t just be during meat week.

A remote vibrator: a high-end dream for some, a disappointing reality for others.

My ilo Rechargeable Silicone Clitoral Egg Vibrator and Lovehoney Enjoy Water-Based Lubricant

Ironhide

Let’s call it “the egg”; my first big girl sex toy. Big girl meant it was rechargeable and a sex toy I could do regularly. It comes with a bag and a little card that tells you how to use it, plus, tips for introducing partner play! Spicy.

It’s great, let’s enumerate. Firstly, this toy proves that size doesn’t matter. I can literally hold it in the palm of my hand and it’s so bendable—also proving I don’t need to ride a throbbing stiff cock to get to cum city. It’s like a tongue, if a tongue never gets tired. Secondly, it only takes 90 minutes to charge for 90 minutes of straight bouncing. Charge it once a week, and it’s playtime every night. The last and best reason: it looks like a skincare device. If you’ve had to move back home—in this economy—you know it’s essential for sex toys to camouflage.

The lube also looked like hand sanitizer, but it got us dripping dirty. I don’t feel comfortable putting lube up my vag, so I’ve learned to enjoy lube for handjobs. Just rub two pumps all over the d*ck, like you’re applying lotion, slowly and tightly. Wanna get your mouth on it? It doesn’t taste bad either. The only downside is it does dry out quite quickly, because it’s water-based—so it doesn’t ruin rubber or silicone—but compared to l*xe or d*rex lube, this one was way thicker and had cum-like texture. So hot, so heavy.

11/10. The egg and the lube. They look so normal, but help you get so freaky, it’s crazy!

My ilo Curve Rechargeable Silicone G-Spot Vibrator

Ann Al

Firstly, this toy is gorgeous. It’s sleek, the silicone feels soft and supple, and the grip is intuitive.

Sadly, looking pretty is about it for this toy. It’s… fine? It’s a vibrator, and it does what it’s supposed to do, but there’s nothing mind-blowing about it. It has a three hour run time from a 1.5 hour charge, and it’s waterproof; I won’t lie and say I didn’t have a good time in the shower with it. The toy is also designed for both vaginal and anal play, but in all honestly, it didn’t do anything for me in the front department. The shape is very well designed to slip up a tight ass, though, as I found out in the shower.

Personally, I think this toy works best as an external vibrator. The eight patterns are nice, but some of them do feel a bit too complex—this isn’t a DnB remix. The turning on/off and cycling mechanisms do take a bit to get used to, but after a couple minutes become pretty natural. Overall, I felt like this toy was trying to do too much, and it ended up doing almost nothing.

Sometimes multitasking is a good idea, and sometimes it’s better to focus on one thing at a time.

Disclaimer: Lovehoney very generously sent these sex toys to the Craccum community to review, but the opinions are the reviewers’ own.

Students are able to get 20% off their purchases with UNiDAYS all year round.