The Crime of Conformity
When you hear the phrase “people pleaser,” you may think of a set of seemingly innocuous traits, a trauma response, or a Taylor Swift lyric (damn you). For those of you who haven’t managed to think of anything at all, a people pleaser is someone who pushes aside their own feelings in order to accommodate the needs of others. This sounds selfless on the surface, but it tends to be driven by a need to be liked, which is rooted in insecurity.
Being able to get along with others is an important skill, and it is natural to want to be liked and to avoid conflict. Many of us are guilty of certain people-pleasing tendencies, and the problem is that it can be quite disingenuous. I’ve heard more and more people refer to themselves as “people pleasers” as if it’s a badge of honour or a medical diagnosis and the truth is it’s not either of those things. I’m extremely wary of wading into Tiktok armchair psychologist territory, so quick disclaimer: all of this is my unprofessional opinion and should, therefore, be taken with a heaped spoonful of salt.
People pleasing really takes it out of you. It’s a relentless performance act of putting yourself aside and suppressing your own feelings in order to appease others. Is it even worth it? If people like the facade that you’ve put on, it’s not the same as actually liking you. All this leads to is resentment and exhaustion, and what’s the point?
It’s not just about how it impacts the people pleaser themselves, but the people around them as well. It can be very obvious when the source of someone’s actions is not altruism but the need to be viewed as altruistic. Likewise, it can be obvious when someone acts out of the need to avoid any form of conflict rather than doing what they think is right. The more you try to appeal to everyone, the less you’re going to be able to have deep or meaningful relationships with anyone. If you water down your personality, all of your interpersonal relationships will wind up tasteless as well.
So many people place more importance on being palatable or likable than on the things that matter; personal values, integrity, and kindness. Being kind and being nice is not the same thing. This might be controversial, but just because you’re nice doesn’t mean that you’re a good person or even pleasant to be around. Okay, there’s nothing wrong with being nice and polite, but there are more important qualities. I’m not advocating for rudeness or “brutal honesty” because that’s a slippery slope to simply becoming an asshole that I’d rather not go down. I just think that life shouldn’t be a popularity contest unless you’re a politician, in which case integrity probably doesn’t apply anyway.
People pleasing is like a really extreme kind of social conformity. Rather than an expression of goodwill or mutual respect, it’s a pattern of compliance-driven by insecurity. Conforming to a set of standards in order to appeal to everyone and avoid conflict is unhealthy and dishonest and completely eliminates personal boundaries or independent critical thought. It is impossible to be a neutral, inoffensive person, and even if it were possible, it wouldn’t be a worthwhile state of being.
None of this is an attack on people pleasers, although I’m clearly not a fan. I’m just trying to invite some introspection on the topic because a lot of people could benefit from it. It’s time to start thinking for ourselves again. Don’t be afraid to set some boundaries, form an opinion, jump down that fence, and have a confrontation if need be. Sure, some people will like you less, but the ones that matter will like you more for it. Finding the right people who like you for the right reasons is ultimately worth so much more than the fallacy of mass appeal.