Now That’s What I Call Sadness

August 18, 2019

It’s week five and we’re out of ideas: assignments are due, the semester workload is piling up and we’re just so exhausted. Damn, give us a break. Semesters are intriguing twelve week periods, many highs, many lows: alas, here is the playlist of your semester for you, songs of our time, “slightly improved” to represent how this semester will make you feel.

Week One: Crazy – Gnarls Barkley

I bet you remember when, you remember, you remember when you lost your mind at the end of last year. Was there something so pleasant about this place? Even your emotions have to let go when you see your GPA.

Week Two: Living on a payout (from Studylink) – Bon Jo…kes I’m not paying you this week.

Oohhh, our criteria isn’t fair,

Woahhhh, living on a Studylink payout.

Take my hand, I’ll pay you I swear,

Noooo-ohhhh, jokes I ain’t paying you shit.

Week Three: I Know I’m Not the Only One (who’s done no work for this group project) – Sam Smith

You say I’m lazy, ‘cause you haven’t seen all the work that I’ve done. But when you call me lazy, I know I’m not the only one. Bitch.

Week Four: Uptown Fucked Up this Semester – Bruno Mars

Don’t believe me just watch.

Hey. Hey. Fuck. Yay.

Week Five: Shotgun – George Ezra

Time flies by watching your Facebook screen, scrolling down looking at every meme. There’s a Munchy snack that you’re dreaming of, the question is would you spend your money?

Week Six: Leaked Phone Tapes – duet by Simon Bridges & Jamie-Lee Ross

Is your semester workload weighing you down? Maybe you’re like Maureen Pugh and feel a little fucking useless? Your semester might be going terrible, but always remember, it’s impossible to fuck it up as much as Simon Bridges.

Week Seven: Mambo No. 5 – remix by Bob the Builder

You’re happy and re-energized to restart this semester off strong. You see outside the lecture Scoop, Muck and Dizzy, and Roley too. You later find out Wendy and Lofty join the crew. You and your gang have so much fun. Working together to get this semester done. Can we fix your Semester 1 GPA? Yes we fucking can boys let’s go.

Week Eight: Let It Go – James Bay

From throwing books across the floor, and watching lectures sped up by x2. If this is all we’re living for, then why am I doing it, doing pre-med anymore?

Week Nine: Havana – Camilla Cabello

Got me feeling like *cough* *sneeze *splutter*

I knew it when I met him

He missed his flu injections.

Got me feeling like *cough* *sneeze *splutter*

I know the germs will get him

I have to go. Oh na- na- nasty.

Week Ten: (fuck I forgot my) Umbrella – Rihanna

Now that it’s raining more than ever, I’m so glad that I brought some cover. Wait, where the fuck is my umbrella. Ella. Ella. Ella. Ey. Ey. Ey.

Week Eleven: Old Town Road – Lil Nas X

I’m gonna to take my test script to the office hour,

I’m gonna complain till I get kicked out.

I’m gonna camp outside my lecturer’s office hour,

I’m gonna cry until they kick me out.

Week Twelve: Fix You – Coldplay.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

Andthe University’s health and counselling service, offering six complimentary sessions without charge, but you have to fill out a form before you get your complimentary seat, and get approved that you need to see a counsellor, will (subject to other conditions and provided it’s not exam season where services may get busier and you have to face a 2 to 3 week wait) try to fix you.

Exam Period: Fucked Yourself – Justin Bieber

So when you, show up, and can’t find your id, then you should realise you’ve just fucked yourself.

And if you think, the invigilator, will just hold on, well then you’ve just gone and fucked yourself.

It’s already three, hours, past the deadline, otherwise this piece would have long been shelved.

Still if you think, this article, is hot garbage, well then you can go and fuck yourself.