It’s 4am and I am Writing a Listicle Out of Desperation: A Memoir

As the end of the semester draws closer at what seems like a glacial pace, you may begin to see those deadlines starting to pile up. But in my wisdom that can only be found at the bottom of five coffees and the wee hours of the morning, this week’s editorial is a handy guide you can use to survive until the real hell that is exams.

1. Sleep is for quitters

Fuck having a healthy lifestyle. We are balls to walls here and there is cramming to be done. Chug your caffeine of choice, watching a vine compilation, and get your shit done. The faster you do it, the faster you are asleep.

2. Uber Eats is your friend

Is it expensive? Yes. Will is also provide you with a meal that includes all major food groups? Also yes. Alternatively if you are poor just grab a ten pack of mi goreng and deal with the consequence to your body later. You don’t have time for that right now.

3. Scream into the void

Ideally you would be exercising to relieve you mounting stress and tension, but that is a luxury that we just don’t have right now. The walk to Munchy Mart is all you’re getting. Take a pillow or muffler of choice and just let go. Feel better? Good now you can get back to work.

4. Avoid all responsibility

Plans? Not anymore. Plans are for people who managed their time better. If you are sacrificing sleep, then you are definitely sacrificing your social life. The relaxation of human interaction will lull you into a false sense of security while you fall further behind. Call in sick from work, money is overrated anyway. Truly isolate yourself until everything is done.

5. Stop breathing

That breath you just took? Don’t. All the energy you put into breathing could be used towards learning more. If you stop breathing you will get more adrenaline into your body and you can ride that extra energy right into study town. Worse case scenario you might never have to study again. That’s called a win-win.