(*in my 20s)
So…what do you after you’ve fucked up? Craccum’s got the scoop on the worst things UoA students have ever done and some helpful (don’t quote us on that) advice.
Most of us are trying to be good. We switch out dairy for plant-based milks, we try to recycle, maybe you even picked up someone else’s rubbish on your way to the bus this morning! Point being; nobody likes to think of themselves as the villain. But as twenty-somethings; our brains still partially formed, simulating life as we’ve seen it done by TV and our parents before us, it is inevitable we make a few mistakes. As someone who has made the self-righteous blunder of grounding my identity in being a ‘good person’, the question is particularly pertinent: when you do make a mistake, how are you supposed to deal with it?
After carrying out some scientifically sound data collection: (asking friends, colleagues and acquaintances about *the worst thing they’ve ever done*) I present to you: a compilation of advice for determining whether you’ve entered your villain era (and how to redeem yourself).
A side note: throughout these interviews I ascertained that asking people about their most morally dubious moments either ruins the vibes completely or forges life-long friendships. Either way, it beats the hell out of small talk – be sure to try it out at your next dinner party!
Forgive yourself, don’t forget
Theo* is a 22 year old law student and in my opinion, one of the best people to ever grace the planet. He didn’t miss a beat when I asked the big question, because as he puts it: “it haunts [him] regularly”. “In Year 10, I told a gay guy that he just called everyone ‘bro’ to make himself seem less gay. Fast forward a few years and I am now the gay who calls everyone ‘bro’. I think about it all the time. And I don’t know how to apologise.”
I told him about dominantly white classrooms in highschool where I punished young and precious women for being more Indian than I ever let myself be. The raging internalised homophobia and racism couldn’t justify the fact that we’d both hurt people. In Theo’s profound words: “the moments we regret most, have the most to teach us bro”.
Don’t self flagellate
23 year old sociology major Isabella* (gorgeous, makes excellent desserts) talks about a friend she made during a hard time in her life. “We were both going through break ups, we bonded over that—star signs, other delusional things. Over time, the relationship started getting really overwhelming and I started ignoring her 15+ messages. She wanted to meet and talk about why I wasn’t replying to her. She cried a lot and asked why I wasn’t her friend anymore. When she asked me if I felt bad for ghosting her, I told her no.
Me: “Slay, you’re not expected or qualified to be her therapist.” (I support women’s rights and wrongs)
Isabella: “Yeah but looking back, it was such an awful thing to say to her. She was there for me when I needed her and I couldn’t return the favour.”
Isabella says she’s “always been a self flagellator. I always think I deserve to be punished for the ‘bad’ things I’ve done. A few years later someone did the same thing to me and I was happy, because it allowed me to have more sympathy for myself. It allowed me to forgive people who hurt me. The people who hurt me are human and so am I. I needed to learn to have more sympathy for myself and other people.”
Hurt people hurt people, healed people take accountability
Zach* is a 21 year old commerce student, self-admitted himbo, and the only reason I haven’t quit my job. As we’re making what is clearly one person’s work look like it requires two people, I ask him what he regrets doing the most. He tells me he “met a girl while going through a rough break up. Like an idiot I used her as an emotional crutch without dealing with my own issues first. I led her on, I kissed her, I slept with her and she thought we were going to date. I feel very guilty and horrible because she absolutely didn’t deserve that.” Zach admits that though he hates thinking about how he made her feel, he forces himself to think about it “every now and then” so he never forgets “not to do it ever again”.
I asked him how he forgave himself and he told me “I just accepted what I did was wrong. There was no excuse for my behaviour, even if I was really sad. I use that as a lesson to be a kinder, more considerate person and to be more careful where people’s hearts are involved”.
The Findings
Dr. Everett Worthington of NYU notes that research ties self-forgiveness to lowered levels of depression, anxiety and hostility, even manifesting physically in lowered risk of heart conditions and cholesterol. He clarifies that “it is not letting yourself off the hook. It is abandoning self-resentment, even in the face of your acknowledged wrong”.
There is something lovely in the phrase itself: ‘acknowledged wrong’. It really is the most you can do. Accept that you did a bad thing. I think of each of the people I interviewed as being warm, good and wonderful. This, of course, doesn’t make any of us less capable of causing deep and great hurt. The perfectly ‘good’ person does not exist and it’s freeing!! Sometimes I like to comfort myself by remembering that as people in our twenties, my friends and I are the worst versions of ourselves we will ever be. I know it sounds grim but I’m trying to say we’re making our mistakes now so we can learn from them, and hopefully: never make them again.
The people you hurt are within their rights to choose to forgive you, or hold you out to be horrible forever – it doesn’t define you or stop you from going out and trying to be better. After you’ve taken accountability, apologised and learnt from a situation – remind yourself: maybe you’re not in your villain era, maybe you’re just in your twenties.
*Names may vary because for some reason, people don’t seem to like having their lowest points plastered all over the internet?? weird.