Hearsay! The Grant Guilford Factbox

August 13, 2019

Did you know?

On the 2nd of August, 2019, Grant Guilford became the first and only person on Earth to think ‘Wellington Victoria University of Wellington: Wellington School of Business’ would be a good name for a university faculty.
Grant Guilford was fired from Victoria University in 2007. He was eventually re-hired as the university’s Vice-Chancellor, after he refused to accept his contract had been terminated and continued to show up to work for six years straight.
Grant Guilford lives in Auckland and commutes into Wellington. Urban-legend says he created Wellington’s Terrace Tunnel on his first visit to the city, when he refused to drive around a hill and instead ploughed straight through it.
Guilford was born 3kgs heavier than the national average for new-born babies. Doctors attributed his abnormal weight to his bulbous, brass-iron testicles.
Guilford studied a Bachelor of Veterinary Science and Bachelor of Philosophy at Massey University, before moving to California to pursue a career in screenwriting. He mistakenly sent his first and only full-length screenplay, Experimental Studies of Gastrointestinal Ischemia-Reperfusion Injury and Food Sensitivity in Dogs, to the University of California, and was awarded a PhD for his services to the field.
Guilford is in the process of changing his legal name to ‘Grant Wellington University of Wellington Wellington’.
Guilford was removed from Victoria University’s ‘Silence is Not Consent’ sex-education committee in 2012. While no official reason was given for the removal, it is believed it may have been a result of his “No is Not a Valid Answer – Persistence is the Key to Sex” slogan.
In 1998, Guilford’s parents were tragically slain by David Beckham’s wife. It is believed that Guilford’s hatred towards any and all Victorias was born back then, and that the event has driven him onwards ever since.
Guilford’s gym hype-song is Lil Wayne’s ‘Can’t Be Broken’.
Guilford starred in the never-before-aired thirteenth season of Survivor. The season was canned after Guilford refused to accept he had been voted off the island, and instead ran off into the Fijian country-side, living off the land and hunting down and killing the remaining contestants until he was the only survivor remaining.
Grant Guilford’s Wikipedia page looks suspiciously like he’s been updating it himself.
Guilford’s favourite colour is determination.