Hearsay! News Without the Facts Zoom: COVID-19 Press Release

During this time of unprecedented crisis, companies across the world have been emphatically responding on how they plan to provide aid, as well as manage risks to their business. However, with the arrival of its new press release, the university’s new conferencing platform Zoom has been evidently overzealous with its desire to join the fight against COVID-19. Craccum has the transcript of Zoom’s new press release in full…

Hi, I’m Zoom’s Chief Trading Officer, Gloria Hole. 

It has been a tough time for our business, our customers and those around the world as we continue to navigate the challenges presented by the ongoing outbreak of coronavirus.

We here at Zoom have been forced to make some tough changes to our business in light of these developments, however you can rest assured that we will continue to help our customers however we can during these difficult times.

To start with, now more than ever we’ve realised the importance of connecting people, and our commitment to help you do so. Our motto has always been that everyone deserves to be heard, particularly during this incredible time of isolation. That’s why we’ve contracted Air New Zealand staffers to sit in Zoom calls and remind people when their mics are muted while talking. Together, we can make sure 2600 people don’t miss 30 seconds of what Deputy Vice Chancellor Academic John Morrow is saying ever again.

To combat the additional strain on the national broadband network, the government has instructed streaming/conferencing services to lower video quality. But that just wasn’t enough for us here; we knew we had to do something further. That’s why we at Zoom have decided to cut our emoji library down to half of its original content. Users will no longer be able to ghost face, surprised react or angry react. If our customers are experiencing these emotions, we unfortunately have to ask them to dial it back a little.

I personally received a phone call from Jacinda last week to tell me how much more than necessary Zoom has done already to aid New Zealand’s coronavirus relief efforts. However, I refused to take that compliment in good faith, as I knew there was more we could do. That’s why we still didn’t stop there. We realised that it’s just not okay to be abusing our pharmacists during this time of incredible need. That’s why we’ve put Guy Williams in a personal conference call so you can abuse him instead. Whether it’s the cancellation of New Zealand Today, the cancellation of Jono and Ben, or just his self-deprecating comedy style in general, we’re sure that in Guy Williams everyone will have something to flame about.

I hope you can understand these  changes to our business. Keep calm, stay safe, and don’t forget to unmute yourself when it’s your turn to speak,

Gloria Hole.

CTO, Zoom Enterprises Limited Inc.