Hearsay! News without the facts: Tip Top Sale – What Happens Next?

May 21, 2019

The Tip Top ice-cream brand has been sold to international ice-cream giant Froneri. What happens now? Craccum summarises the latest gossip emerging from the Froneri camp.

What We Can Expect From Froneri and the Tip Top Brand:

Citing fears that Trumpet ice-creams “might actually taste good” these days, Froneri have revealed plans to “dumb-down” the recipe. “We want to return the brand to how it was it in the good old days,” says CEO Ibrahim Najafi, “I want every customer to take a bite of their Trumpet and go: ‘Yeah, tastes alright I guess’. That’s how I’ll know I’ve done my job right. We won’t stop until we know we’re New Zealand’s second-favourite ice-cream once again”.
To this end, Froneri have also announced plans to reinstate Tip Top’s old policy of copying better ice-creams. ‘New’ ice-creams expected to be rolled out by the end of the year include the MagYUM!, Ben and Cherries, Bubble O’ Bob, Häagen Dazs-Da -Güd-Shit and Puddle Pop.
Trumpets will now come in four flavours: 16gb, 32gb, 64gb, and vanilla.
Froneri have announced plans to unveil the ‘MachTurboTrumpet2’ later this year. Although nothing has been officially confirmed yet, the MachTurboTrumpet2 is rumoured to have four blades and an aloe strip, and will run with the tagline: “the second-best a man can get”. Froneri are calling it “definitely a pretty good razor” that is destined to go down in history as “somewhere in the vicinity of the top ten to fifteen razors of all time”.
Froneri are currently testing a new flavour of vanilla. Nick-named ‘Vanilla 2’ in emails sent within the company, it is said to have a “buttery, crunchy, almost flake-like texture” and taste like “sugar, spice, and tears”.
Froneri are currently proto-typing the Goody Goody Gum Drop Air™, the world’s slimmest, lightest ice-cream. “We’re using cutting edge technology to reduce the thickness of our ice-creams,” a post on the Froneri website says, “We’ve listened to our customers and taken their advice on board. People are sick of having to lug around 2 or 3kgs of ice-cream every day for work. We want to fix that”. A spokesperson for the company says the ultimate goal is to have a “smart, sleek ice-cream” that can “fit in your bag for day to day use” by the end of 2021.