Hearsay! News without the facts: Great Barrier Reef Applies for Euthanasia

Aotearoa generated significant discussion when it became the first nation in the world to give legal personhood to one of its environmental features – the Whanganui river. This sparked talks on how to incorporate indigenous culture within a nation into its future and the degrading state of our environment. However, in a shocking move that one-ups this historic measure, the Great Barrier Reef has announced plans to go above and beyond the idea of personhood, and become the first environmental treasure to seek assisted suicide rather than suffer in its terminal condition any longer. 

News came in soon after the Australian Liberal Party won what was supposed to the unloseable election for the Opposition – with Queensland in particular rejecting Labor, opting for the promise of tax refunds and the supply of condoms and dental dams for when they wish to fuck and be fucked by their depleting natural resources. Upon hearing this news, it appears that the Great Barrier Reef – suffering from massive coral bleaching and the likelihood of near-total devastation of its pristine waters- broke down in tears and reportedly said to bystanders ‘That’s it, I just can’t struggle any longer. I’m done, man, I’m just done’. While the intricacies of this announcement are yet to fully unfold, it appears that the Great Barrier Reef wishes to end the slow process of declining calcification and be put to death in grace, and is planning to uphaul the entire euthanasia system to achieve that goal, rather than linger on for decades in the hope that Australians will get their shit together. Sources close to the Great Barrier Reef have confirmed that while it loves the unique and irreplaceable marine populations that live in its features, it ‘just does not want to live long enough to be as blindingly white as the population that is striving to kill it’. While Prime Minister Scott Morrison has not yet responded to the announcement, the news has generated significant interest in many other similarly afflicted environmental treasures, such as the Yangtze River and New Zealand’s own Franz-Josef Glacier, who also wish to die painlessly rather than be kept on life support by the same people that are going to kill it. As of the time of writing, it is yet to be determined whether this announcement bothers the Queensland populace, who are still currently celebrating the renewed license to get in their best lingerie and fuck the absolute shit out of the only beautiful object still residing in their shithole of a state.