Hearsay! News without the facts: God personally threatens Brian Tamaki

Numerous nervous residents of Central Auckland reported the shaking of the earth Wednesday morning – but while 36 year old property flipper Sharon Wellsley was initially worried the tremor would prematurely end her scheduled meeting with a prospective renter for her $500 p/w one bed no bathroom no fridge residence in her garage, it was quickly made clear to Mrs Wellsley that the rumblings of the planet were not meant for her. “It was wild as – my plates started shaking and trembling, but then out of nowhere, a boomin’ voice seemed to part the fuckin’ clouds and speak directly to Brian Tamaki himself, and he sounded piiiiisssseeddd.”

Craccum obtained a recording of the declaration, which has been confirmed to be a message directly from God himself:

“Listen, you hyena clitoris looking son of a bitch – do you know how sick and tired I am of your shit? You don’t know the kind of nonsense I have to deal with when you’re acting up like this, Brian. Yeah, look up at the fucking sky, Brian Tamaki. Yeah, I’m back on your ass. You better get your fuckin’ act together, mate. What’s this about being gang raped by the fucking PM? What are you using your tithings for – angel dust? Oh, man, those goddamn – and I can say that – tithings. We’ve been over this, you daft cunt. Did you think I’d just forget your swindling? Did you not get the message last time? How obvious does the omniscient voice of the fucking universe have to be to drive it through your thick skull? I didn’t even intend to give you first degree burns when I set you on fire the first time – the oil on your neck did that for me! You think those flames were just on accident? Mate, you don’t know what you’re doing to me. Pack this shit up, or I’m packing you up in a fucking body bag. Dump you in an acid barrel. Sending you straight to Hell. You think you’ve had enough heat now? Wait until all the coins you’ve stolen in the name of faith are smelted and poured right up your bleached asshole. Look – fine, I’ll stop – Jesus is telling me I’m waking up Luke Perry. I like him, man. Goddamnit. Get your act together, or I’m sticking your dick in molten mercury. Yahweh away.”

Brian Tamaki could not be reached for comment. (And even if he could, who the fuck wants to talk to Brian Tamaki.)