Hearsay! News without the facts: Craccum Exclusive: Coalition New Zealand Policy Announcements

June 5, 2019

Two weeks ago, Brian and Hannah Tamaki, New Zealand’s favourite dickwads, announced the launch of the ‘Coalition New Zealand’ party – a political party to be led by Hannah Tamaki for the next election. Craccum was fortunate enough to avoid attending the press conference, which was held at Destiny Church headquarters in Wiri, Auckland, in an insanely opulent and largely uncomfortable looking room.

In an interview with Lisa Owen that same day, Hannah Tamaki remained elusive not only about policies but about just about anything. The only thing she seemed to let on was that Brian Tamaki gave her good kisses which honestly made us barf a little. Craccum magazine – being a more potent journalistic force than Lisa Owen and Radio New Zealand – has been able to obtain what can only be described as the “most significant leak in New Zealand politics this year” (who really cares about the budget) which is the draft for their first policy announcements:

Give Colonel Sanders a knighthood for his services to delicious.
Provide fully funded government microphones to the ‘silent majority’.
All female political party leaders to receive new Mercedes Benz’s every year.
Release Jevan Goulter from his shackles of self-hatred (love yourself honey please).
A regional emergency earthquake fund in case of ‘gay thoughts’.
‘Man Up’ programme to be extended to Simon Bridges.
GST to be removed from all hair peroxide bleaches .
Decrease immigration numbers to fifty people five hundred people per year.
Sex education to be revamped in schools to promote ‘making room for Jesus’ during sexual intercourse.
Israel Folau to be appointed Governor General.
Abortion to remain in the Crimes Act as a crime against straight white men.
National Anthem to be changed to ‘God’s Plan (Clean)’ by Kidz Bop.
The Queen Victoria Statue in Albert Park to be replaced with a 20ft statue of Brian Tamaki with his face on fire.