Excitement is brimming in the Oval Office as President Trump claims he has conceived a new cure for the coronavirus infection.
The President proposed the idea impromptu during a press conference last Saturday, with his Chief of Staff alleging that his recent viewing of Netflix’s Tiger King docuseries may have inspired the idea. Trump was quoted as asking members of his Coronavirus Task Force, “if we can hit the body with enough counts of animal abuse, would that be enough to cure the virus?”
He proceeded to denounce Carole Baskin’s claims she did not kill her husband as “fake news” and alleged that Big Cat Rescue was only a shell corporation established by CNN’s Jim Acosta.
Though his colleagues refrained from providing an immediate response, the President refused to be discouraged, and dropped news startling to his staffers and journalists alike. “I just got off the phone with Joe Exotic,” said Trump to a shocked audience. “I have recruited him for the council to reopen America.”
Trump further reported that Exotic’s campaign manager, Doc Antle, Doc Antle wife 1, Doc Antle wife 2, Doc Antle wife 3 and Jeff Lowe would all be simultaneously added to the same council. Carole Baskin believed she had been added too, but was infuriated to learn she had actually just become a part of the ‘council to reopen the septic tank and find Don Lewis’ body’.
“It was tough to get this negotiated but I’m glad we managed to pull this through,” President Trump was quoted as saying. “We had to get Doc Antle to sign a legally-binding contract saying he could not go near Jeff Lowe’s nanny.”
Trump claimed that the new members of his council would be based primarily along Carole Baskin’s bike path. “We’re going to build a zoo and get the Mexicans to pay for it,” declared Trump excitedly. “Nobody is better at building zoos than me.”
Joe Exotic, who currently remains imprisoned and is serving a lengthy sentence, is elated by the news claims close sources. “Joe has some brilliant ideas on how we can reopen America,” his spokesperson said. “His ideas include a country music video and a second campaign for governor.”
Ashley Bloomfield was reached for comment on whether New Zealand should adopt similar medical practices to cure COVID-19. He is said to still be blinking at our reporter at this time.