We went apeshit when the glorious Sky box started to make its way into suburban living rooms. No longer were we restricted to channels 1 and 3 in the early hours of weekend mornings. We finally had the incredible Disney and Nickelodeon to keep us company. As we spent more time planted in front of our boxy TV sets, our eyes turning square, we developed stronger and stronger connections to characters on-screen. Some of these connections became a little less innocent as our crushes on cartoons grew alongside our screentime.
Danny Phantom – Danny Phantom
Daniel “Danny Phantom” Fenton was maybe our biggest cartoon crush. His DNA had been mixed with ghost ‘ectoplasm’ so he shifted between real and ghost worlds, looking fine in both. This boy was tall, dark and handsome, pulling off grey hair like nobody’s business. When he was in ghost mode, his bright eyes turned from blue to green. Swoon. He was a kind and romantic soul. He fought his own demons, and we had no doubt he would fight ours too. As an awkward hot superhero, he rivals Spiderman’s essence. He’s truly got the best of both worlds.
Shego – Kim Possible
One of the OG baddies. Most likely started the neon trend. She constantly mocked her boss, with no concern for his authority. Shego truly gave no fucks about anything, just wanted to have fun and be evil. She knew her colours and coordinated them to the green glowing flames she could fling from her hands. The unstoppable power of the woman was enough to leave us in awe. We’d like to think Shego would like us, but deep down we know she wouldn’t even notice us.
Jake Long – American Dragon
Jake Long was the whole package. Not only could he turn into a dragon, he could skate, he was in a band, he looked after his grandpa and dog. He was a family man, carrying on the family legacy. He had all the good parts of the e-boy look, with his green highlights and enthusiasm for music, without the incessant need to make goofy Tik Tok povs. The tension between Jake and his classmate Rose (who turns out to be Jake’s enemy, the Huntsgirl) is something we still dream of. It’s a classic tale of will they, won’t they, which kept our young hearts beating hard. Rachel and Ross pale in comparison. Honestly, he’s probably even hotter as the dragon.
Debbie – The Wild Thornberrys
Debbie Thornberry was so damn cool. She was the older sister that we were simultaneously scared of and desperately wanting to impress. She pulled off all the best bits of 90s grunge, pairing a crop top with a flannel and baggy jeans. She constantly talked about her love for rock music, and pissed her parents off with her cynical and sarcastic mindset. Debbie wanted to fuck the system for sure, and we loved her for it. If she was at uni, she’d definitely be a music major. Take from that what you will. She’s also got a beautiful head of hair, which covers her face making her even more mysterious.
Aladdin – Aladdin
The hottest Disney prince, no arguments. He charged his way through a classic rags to riches tale, and donned his perfect pecs proudly. He could sing, he could dance, he was ready to risk it ALL to get the girl. She needed a prince so he BECAME a prince. Have you ever heard of a man doing that? He created a whole country for her. It was the original simp nation. Who doesn’t need a partner that will create wild and intricate lies in the name of love? He’s just very capable and it’s really refreshing.
Zuko – Avatar: The Last Airbender
Zuko, the first bad boy we ever loved. He had some daddy issues, but don’t we all? He brings the heat, in more ways than one, executing his fire-bending skill with such discipline. Seeing a man committed to something really does things to us. Throughout the series, Zuko goes through a transformation, pursuing and then abandoning his quest for his father’s approval, finding empathy for others, and growing his hair out to a nice length. Bad boy turns good. No wonder we love to fix bad men.
Kim Possible – Kim Possible
Kim was the light to Shego’s dark. She absolutely went off with her wardrobe. She was little top, big pants all the way, showcasing all the best bits of 2000s fashion. Cheerleader by day, crime fighter by night, Kim was running her shit, dragging Ron by her side, taking no excuses for his dumb ass energy. She whipped out a million catchphrases, effortlessly cool and relaxed. Most importantly, Kim fought for what was right, establishing a really good set of morals. There’s nothing hotter than a redhead with a good belief system.
David Kawena – Lilo & Stitch
Massively underrated and underappreciated. He could surf, he could firedance, he was basically ready to adopt Lilo because he cared so much for Nani and her family. He was a little dumb, but he made up for it through his intense loyalty. And, let’s not fuck around, he also has a super hot bod. David is the man you want to come home to. And help you control your little alien pet thing.
Esmeralda – The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Esmeralda was who we all wanted to be. She channelled bad bitch energy while fighting for justice, showing empathy and selflessness. She looks exactly how all the girls at RNV think they look. Her outfit is impeccable, with gold hanging from her ears, wrists, hips and ankle. Esmeralda was so self-assured, to the point that we were entirely intimidated by her. She also had a pet goat AND could play the tambourine. She was probably vegan too. The perfect woman.
Megara – Hercules
For us, it was all about the attitude. She was sarcastic, witty, independent, she knew exactly what she wanted. Her main dislike was manipulative men, so she wasn’t about to get tangled up in any bullshit. She was working this purple dress, swaying her hips sensually from side to side. I Won’t Say I’m In Love is also the BEST Disney song, with Meg absolutely smashing her vocals. Overall, she’s got an overflow of confidence that we could only dream of.
Leonardo – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The second hottest Leonardo (second only to DiCaprio). No joke, we both agree that Leonardo, the turtle with the blue mask, was the hottest ninja turtle. He was smart, disciplined, showed great leadership skills and was completely committed to his family. He was ready to fight at all times with his katanas and not afraid to throw down if anything goes on. His level of commitment to crime fighting (or whatever they do) was kinda sexy. And, if you disagree, you have to admit that you are actually attracted to a ninja turtle. Checkmate. Tell us which @ Craccum Magazine on FB.
Simba – The Lion King
Hear us out. Yes, he’s literally an animal. And yes…. There’s no redeeming ourselves here. Simba is boyishly handsome. He’s got a good head of hair (we know it’s literally a mane) and a sexy voice. He did an OE, making him more worldly. We’re not too sure how to explain this, but we’re certain he’s a sweater boy. Most impressively, Simba loses his father (also hot) and is manipulated by his uncle, yet finds the strength to triumph for the betterment of his people (animals?). The scene where Simba and Nala sing and frolic together is pretty steamy, maybe the earliest sex scene we ever saw. Don’t think too hard about it, just accept it. Hakuna Matata.