Bored? Horny? Why not dust off your IMVU account and try it on with some freaky cyber daddies. Lachlan Mitchell shows you how. Or you could just get an Only Fans, I guess.
So, we’re in for the long haul. Miss Rona just hasn’t taken her heels off our necks. Shit’s fucked! Shit’s getting locked up! You’re getting locked down! And while the government has considered many things, from the supply chain of food to public transport being relegated solely to the needs of essential service workers, there is something the government has not considered. They may have taken the nation’s alert level to Level 4, but they will need to be on Level 14 if this is not critically managed – picture Chernobyl, picture Fukushima, but localised entirely within your bedroom. However, this is something they cannot regulate, something they cannot provide. I’m talking about safely engaging with your horny levels.
They will be rising. You will be in an enclosed space – if it applies, away from your significant other. Likely with family in relatively close quarters. Constantly. Your horny levels will be reaching pressure levels not unlike the stresses submarines feel in the depths of the ocean – you are but a passenger on Captain Nemo’s Horniness. While it could be easy to simply resign yourself to the monotony of Pornhub or Blacked.com or whatever your shit is, or scrolling through Instagram and absentmindedly fingering yourself to whatever #baddie does the trick for that session, maybe it’s time to get a little inventive. A little niche, a little… pixelated.
And now, what I’m about to say won’t be easy. But if you truly wish to escape the trappings of ennui that quarantine will rain down on us all, you will have to make some… moral adjustments. You will have to be a sick little freak. You will have to consider giving your devices a virus that will far outlast the physical and economic impact of Miss Rona. But, like Virgil guiding Dante through the rings of Hell, I will be in your navigator in this realm of eternal punishment.
The Sims gave the world an opportunity to truly manipulate your surroundings, to exert your Ubermensch will on the world. Only the limits of Electronic Arts could constrain your vision. And without access to mods, EA constrained the possibility for horniness to levels that only mods could seek to fix. But The Sims gave our society a collective dream – to truly roleplay as a three-inch slim thicc pixelated bad girl with a gorilla grip pussy and a stable income. Or anyone with genitalia that gives off that sweet, sweet back of the PS4 warmth. Aslan once spoke of the Deep Magics ‘from beyond the Dawn of Time’ – IMVU and Second Life are from an era that has faded into a shared memory, but like the deep magics, have not disappeared from reach. With IMVU, I present you an option to truly manage your horny levels over the coming quarantine period, no matter how long it lasts.
As someone who spent most of their teen years gleefully scamming the monstrously lustful dwarven denizens of IMVU out of their credits, I am intimately familiar with the realities of that site, even more so now that the site has irreparably crumbled to resemble but a shadow of itself. IMVU was once the go-to for the curious and the bored, the desperate, the socially exiled. They all moved on to greener pastures, or went to prison. Those that remain are… changed. They have not seen the light – they were born in it, molded by it. But they are who run IMVU now; the koreaboos, the furries, the sado-masochists unable to find physical satisfaction with traditional implements. They scraped up the bones of their forebears, and built a calcified empire out of what was left behind. They, above all, are the true guardians of horny.
‘Okay, you’ve sold me. I’m that kinda freak freak. But should I proceed?’ However you wish. But you will need finances. Very few will so much as talk to an avatar that isn’t utterly dripping in garishly rendered stripperific fits, nor will they even consider approaching one lacking H-cup milk wagons or an atrociously lengthened & pixelated magnum cock. But you do not need to pay. That’s too easy. Rather, there are far more active ways of attaining wealth. I recommend you listen to Next Level Charli for this part.
- With the minimal free credits IMVU sends your way after making an account, find an outfit that reveals as much as your non-Adult Pass account will allow you to do. I recommend knock-off Versace.
- Find a chatroom that serves any fetish you may be interested in, or one with crowds you think will be particularly desperate for human (or non-human) interaction.
- Idly chat, or as is far more likely, roleplay with the Nazgûl that walk these halls. Invariably, one of them will make their character walk up to you, even if you look like poverty, and will remark on your beauty. Also invariably, they will either ask you to follow them to a part of the chatroom where you can dance to a horribly degraded MP3 of Super Bass, or they will invite you to their avatar’s private room for ‘more lol :)’.
- Sit down, and talk about yourself, or your character’s backstory. Whatever works. Send them a friend request out of the blue. Get them close. While they are incredibly horny, they are surprisingly receptive to the ‘hooker with a heart of gold’ trope. Say you’ll click on the fuck animations in a minute, but you just want to feel special, and really look like someone that’ll satisfy their needs. Or, y’know, “haha I wanna fck but my av is Not looking very sexy………”. If it sounds too easy, it’s because it literally is.
- Now, some of them will offer to gift you the clothing directly. If that works for you, good. But we’re not Holly Golightly – we want our own money, our own resources. Describe what you want, and slowly work up to asking them for the credits to buy it. Go for something around 1-1.5k in credits, or about $2.00 in NZ currency. Talk about whatever their fetish is – if they’re a furry with a butt plug so deep in their arse that they haven’t farted in a moon cycle, talk about it. As I said earlier, you’re going to have to make some adjustments to your life.
- Once they’re suitably horny, and you don’t think they’ve cum yet, go for the final push. Ask them to gift you the credits so you can buy what you want, and a little more to surprise them. If this sounds too easy, it literally is. Only one of every 20 marks is ever wise enough to call you out, so you’ll likely be fine. Once the credits have been wired to your account, leave their chat and block them. You’re done. You’ve succeeded.
For what it’s worth, when they’re not the kind of sicko that solely wants to spit on you and make you submit to their six-frame ‘pissin’ on your azz’ animation, most of them are relatively nice people. You might feel guilt. However, it’s just business. Do you want to feel guilt, or do you want to feel hot? Until this gets too much, repeat the six steps ad nauseum. It almost always works. I won’t guide you on what to do once you are satisfied with your clothing collection, or you have attained enough credits to become the target of another dear reader. What chatrooms you peruse in order to get what you need, that’s your business. I’m just here to hold the door open for you, to sell you on the premise of being a little more than what horny whispered into your ear previously.
On IMVU, you can be anyone you want to be. But many games sell you on that premise. What is unique to IMVU is not what you want to be, but what you’re willing to do in order to cum. If you’re willing to mess around in the polygon polyamorous hell-dungeons of stink, flesh and sweat known only to the pigs from 2001’s Hannibal, then you have entered a new plane of being that no level of quarantine can take away from you. Safe travels, voyager. We’ll see you once the lockdown is lifted.