An Engineer’s Alternative to Sex Week

By Second-Year Electrical Engineering Student, and all-round charitable person Brian Gu.

Being an engineering student, I am always the butt of abuse in the office, as we all know how much other faculties look down on us dirty, pitiful creatures. Like the plague, wherever we go, engineers always get a bad rep. And as if matters couldn’t get any worse, this week is AUSA’s Sex Week, which for engineers amounts to as much as a search and rescue effort for Madeleine McCann.

So because we practically shit out listicles for your reading pleasure, this week I’ve drawn the short end of the stick. But because I’m the one holding the microphone this time round, I’m going to pass it round to our most underrepresented demographic on campus – our eligible engineering bachelors!

So if Sex Week is more like cry at your desk week for you (please don’t, I tried really hard to make that rhyme work), then this listicle is your in-flight air manual to survive the bumpy (lack of) ride that is Sex Week.

1. Play as Lara Croft on Tomb Raider:

Because you need a strong, independent woman in your life.

2. Spend quality time with your assignment:

Romantic computer screen lit dinner with ramen.

3. Contribute to Craccum:

Because we love and support you even if no one else will.

4. Go to the Arts Section and check out this week’s reviews:

In what is perhaps the most relevant internal plug we’ve ever added to a listicle, check out the selection of porn that our gracious contributors have lovingly reviewed for your cultural enhancement.

5. Treat yourself to Lynx Africa:

Because you’re worth it (and you need it).

6. Find an editor that appreciates you:

Just going to leave that one there

7. Bottle your own tears and use them as your own lube:

I swear to god this was not mine. Our editor also insists there’s nothing like a salty surprise.

8. Take a break from studying:

Your wheat on Minecraft needs tending.

9. Get yourself in on this measles thing:

Because it’s nice to be the centre of public attention for once. Don’t follow the herd! Besides, you’ve had a lifetime of quarantine, why stop now. 

10. But Brian, you’re an engineering student.

I’m getting paid for this. Leave me alone.

11. Walk up to Shadows after an 11am lecture:

Make sure to stop by the Craccum office so we can name and shame.

12. Get yourself lost in Portugal:

What? I hear Praia da Luz is real nice this time of year.

13. Go out and get yourself a new wardrobe:

Nothing is better than a good rebranding. Just ask UBIQ.

14. Also, treat yourself to a new hoodie!

Or at least treat the people who have to look at your same one everyday.

15. Do you have any more shit to say about Engineers?

Lachlan worked really hard to find images for those porn reviews. Give him some support, guys.

If you feel like you were grossly misrepresented by this listicle, put down that Xbox controller that you’re holding with one hand and email us at editor@craccum.co.nz . Please do not attack me on my way to any engineering lectures this week; I tried my best to alleviate the stereotypes where I could, but come on, you guys could also make the effort to give me less to attack ourselves about.