12 Students You Will Meet at UoA

1) The international student who’s absolutely loaded

I see you walking around in your Balenciagas like they don’t cost as much as my whole car. I see you at your 8am tutorial, dressed head to toe in Gucci with not a hair out of place. For these students, every public appearance is an opportunity to flex. And flex, they will. 

2) The mature student who treats lectures like a 1-on-1 discussion hour

‘I pay good money for this course, and I want to maximise my learning experience!’ That’s great and all, but so did the 200 other students in this class, who have to listen to you interrogating the lecturer on some minor point that most likely won’t come up in the exam. Maybe schedule a meeting?

3) Guys who wear board shorts and t shirts every day. Bonus points if accompanied by running shoes.

Surf’s up, my dude! Or is it? Ironically, these guys never seem to be the swimming type. Let me be clear, board shorts are NOT pants. They are for swimming ONLY. The next time I see a guy wearing this ensemble, I am going to ask them how the surf is looking today.

4) Aspiring ‘influencers’

These girls are identifiable by their perfect makeup, yoga pants, and long, impossibly healthy hair. Even their no-makeup selfies put the rest of us to shame. Honestly, props to anyone who manages to make themselves look hot during exam season. 

5) Libertarian guys who wear capes and fedoras and probably own swords?? 

This specimen is rarely sighted in the wild. However, it is just about guaranteed that if you spend enough time at Auckland Uni, you will see at least one guy wearing a floor-length cape and a hat. Bonus points if they carry a cane they don’t actually need. To increase your chances of spotting one, head for the philosophy department.

6) People who use humour in a thinly-veiled attempt to mask their crippling depression 

When you ask them how their assignment is going, they say: “Honestly just murder me. Just put me out of my misery.” Or, alternatively; “If I don’t pass this test I’m going to throw myself off the clock tower.” I feel like this description fits at least 50% of students, so at least you’re not alone.

7) The all-star

There’s a few of these in every cohort. The student who manages to get stellar grades, win competitions, run multiple well-respected uni clubs, and somehow maintain a social life. I honestly have no idea how these students do it all without having access to a time-turner. You want to hate them, but you can’t, because these students are almost always super friendly and likeable. Damn them!

8) The “well, actually” guy

You know the one. Greasy looking. Sits at the front of the class. Asks questions in every lecture that are not questions, but are in fact long-winded tangents that serve only to make him look smart. If you have the joy of having one of these gentlemen in a tutorial, expect most of your comments to be debated into oblivion. Common phrases include: “Let me play the devil’s advocate here.”

9) The Young Nat

Often indistinguishable from the “well, actually” guy, the Young Nat will often wear a suit to class despite having never worked. Commonly used phrases include:

“Why should hard workers be punished with taxes that support drug addicts and dole bludgers?”

Will probably show up in an NZ Herald Article about how they bought a house at 25 through ‘hard work and sensible saving.’ Will fail to mention that their parents work in real estate and paid half the deposit.

10) Alex from Modern Family – the frighteningly organised one

Proud to be at Times Higher Education #1 ranked institution on the University Impact Rankings. Carries notebinders in tab colours you didn’t even realise existed. You sneak a peek over their shoulder in a lecture, and your heart sinks when you see that they’ve highlighted on every page of the coursebook. Even worse, they’ve got it all colour coded. Meanwhile, you haven’t even bought the coursebook yet. 

11) Fuckboys that sleep on the floor

Guys who have a sk8ter boi charm about them. While their boyish good looks and devil-may-care attitude makes them a hit with the ladies, beware of what they lack in the bedroom department. Specifically, they lack a bed frame. They sleep on a mattress, on the floor. 

12) The student who never shows up to class

You’ll meet this student in your end-of-semester exam. You’ll think to yourself; “I have never seen this person in my life. Are they lost?” They’re not lost, they’ve just been home all semester living large.