Silicon valley is a vast place. So is Discord, PB Tech and the Metaverse, whatever that is. What do all of these spaces have in common? Bad vibes and men that wear Patagonia vests and running shoes year-round. These creatures are known as the tech bros, a fascinating species that sport five-paged LinkedIn profiles, wardrobes consisting exclusively of hoodies, and a lack of bitches…
Just like wolves, the hierarchical pack structure is central to the functioning of tech bro society. At the top are the alpha tech bros, aka the crème de la crème of the pack. With their god-like status, the rest of the beta tech bros bow down to their superiors, worshipping and emulating their behaviour with the hopes of one day becoming just like their idols.
So, which alpha tech bro are you? Complete the following quiz to find out!
Describe your personality!
A. Spacey. I’m also a genius who is beyond staying in touch with current reality…
B. Entitled, narcissistic, and slightly robotic.
C. Fun and quirky! I am definitely not your average chill, normal dude XD!
D. Bald.
E. I’m SUCH a nice guy! I deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize just for existing.
What’s your favourite hobby?
A. Utilising 100% of my brain at all times.
B. Yelling “NI HAO” and pretending I speak amazing Mandarin.
C. Playing with scrabble tiles ‘til I end up with a combination unique enough to name my next child.
D. Browsing for cool new wigs made by underpaid workers in factories that are unfit for human inhabitance.
E. Oh you know me, I donate to charities for fun because DID I TELL YOU I AM A PHILANTROPIST???
What job would you do if you didn’t work in tech?
A. I live and breathe tech. I AM TECHNOLOGY.
B. Being ~meta~ is a full-time job, thank you very much.
C. Being a diplomat for the Martians or running my baby mama Grimes’ fanclub.
D. A scientist conducting research in hair follicle revival.
E. Probably something in Public Relations? I’m pretty good at manipulating the media to portray me as a benevolent white man with no shady past whatsoever!
What’s your favourite song?
A. “Parallel Universe” by Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
B. “I Am Not a Robot” by MARINA.
C. “Space Oddity” by David Bowie.
D. “Short Kings Anthem” by blackbear and Tiny Meat Gang.
E. “Nice Guys Finish Last” by Green Day.
Let’s settle the debate—are there more wheels or more doors in the world?
A. I do not care for worldly discourse.
B. Are we talking about ~meta~ doors and wheels? No? Cool, I’m not taking part in this.
C. 1000% wheels! If it’s a Tesla wheel, that gets double the points to account for how swag my creations are.
D. Um, guys here’s a more pressing issue—what do I do if my girlfriend is thirsting over Leonardo Dicaprio…
E. Doors of course! There are so many doors of opportunity in life, you’ve just got to take them, just like I did.
Mostly As: Steve Jobs
Forever travelling in some parallel universe, your lack of engagement with this dimension sets you up to be the next Steve Jobs. His signature black turtleneck and jeans combo perfectly captures your personality—boring, bland, and predictable.
Mostly Bs: Mark Zuckerberg
Efficient and organised, you’re the ultimate girlboss—so naturally the tech bro that best represents your admirable entrepreneurial spirit is Mark. But don’t get too cocky, we all know you’re secretly a robot.
Mostly Cs: Elon Musk
Your chaotic, problematic and ‘not like other boys’ energy makes you stand out from the crowd. With that creative mind, you are unstoppable just like Elon Musk with your neverending wacky ideas—whether that’s space exploration or designing self-driving cars because you’re salty the car bros never accepted you.
Mostly Ds: Jeff Bezos
Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it! Pave the way, put your back into it! Just like Amazon’s founder, your chaotic evil energy makes you stick out like a sore thumb at every party. However, behind that cool exterior is a soft interior, riddled with insecurities that no amount of tax evasion could ever fix!
Mostly Es: Bill Gates
You embody the “pick me” and male manipulator energy of Bill Gates, America’s favourite billionaire. But we’re not fooled by your antics, at least the other tech bro Alphas have the balls to admit their exploitative ways…
