The Art of Conversation: An In-Depth Analysis into the Complex Cognitive Behavioural Patterns of a Human Subject.

“After five columns, am I still a guest columnist?” and other jokes from Brian Gu

The other night, while I was pretending to study for a test the following week, I received a message from a friend late at night whom I noticed, quite clearly, was drunk. To be fair, she was replying to a message I had sent earlier in the day, but after redirecting the trajectory of the conversation to another fucking planet, I quickly realised what was transpiring. Now, I’ve had some really awkward social media experiences, like the one time my boss sent me a friend request on Snapchat (dies inside), or the multiple times an embarrassing selfie photo of me from when I was eight had resurfaced (dies inside more), but not this time. No, I was about to rough out this chat with – for no specific reason, let’s call her evathecoolest – because she clearly seemed upset that she had finished all her red wine and ice-cream, and also because for someone whom I’d had limited interactions with outside class, I was so damn curious to learn more.

Ladies and gentlemen, or anyone from TedxUoA who wants to pick this up because this is genuinely the best Ted Talk I can offer, buckle in and enjoy this comprehensive lesson on the Art of Conversation.

Me (earlier in the day): “You missed out on a great mandarin joke I put on my Snapchat today.”

Proceeds to send what I can only describe as a piece of comedy gold; a photo of a mandarin with a smile, captioned: “finally found someone who speaks my language”. Get it, because I’m Chinese? Thanks, I’m here all week.

evathecoolest: “Very cute. Aliexpress is a dangerous. We are up to 20 dollars. It’s a dangerous game.”

Not sure where this one was going, but I’m here for the ride if there’s a great punchline. Also didn’t realise I had my life to fear with Aliexpress.

Me: “Aliexpress is great, don’t hate.”

True. Just ask my $1.97 laptop case, or anything except our sex week Aliexpress review. God forbid our sex week Aliexpress review.

evathecoolest sends me a photo of an empty bottle of red wine, a glass full to the brim of said wine, and pops up herself in the photo looking as happy as a Portugese investigator coming across a lead on Madeleine McCann. Tired of finding Madeleine McCann in my articles? Well so are the Portugese police, so get over it.

Me: “Wow looks like you’re having fun.”

evathecoolest: “Yeah, it’s a cool person thing.”

Being someone who has their guilty ass on a leather seat of the Billie Eilish hate bandwagon, I rate this as definitely fair, and it serves me right for not being any fun on a Friday night.

evathecoolest: Flower emojis. “Yo, do you like Lil Gigs?”

A highly interesting question posed here, and a very pertinent one at that. Who is Lil Gigs? Perhaps she meant Lil’s gigs? Was she referring to legendary Welsh footballer Ryan Joseph Giggs, born Will Giggs? In that case, I can’t say that I’m impartial to some Lil Giggs.

Me: “I am going to say yes because I am genuinely curious as to where this is going. Also, I would like to apologize for my lack of coolness.”

evathecoolest: “Just wondering if you are cultured. I’m joking though. Sorry if I was mean.”

evathecoolest: Wow emojis. “I’m out of ice-cream.”

This was a highly disappointing development during the night, as her box of Magnum Almond Dairy-Free ice-creams now sat empty on the table. However, given that she still had a box of unopened Arnott’s Tiny Town bikkies on the table as well (which from my understanding was about as gangster as the name ‘Lil Gigs’), I highly doubt that she had very much to be upset over.

Me: “OK well what can I help you do about it.”

evathecoolest: “Buy more suckkerrrr.”

Rolling through her r’s like I’m rolling through my limited material to finish this column.

evathecoolest: Proceeds to apologize a second time. “Sorry, that was mean.”

evathecoolest: “And I was sorry if I was calling grandma a friend.”

Perhaps one of the weirdest apologies I’ve ever had directed my way. I can only wonder at what Grandma would think of all this.

evathecoolest: “I’m drink. I’m going to stop messaging. Bue.”

It was unfortunate to see the conversation end there, however I happily left it knowing I had enough source content to fill a column. My god, what would grandma think.