What Does a Girl Have to Do to Get Fucked Around Here?
Life can’t always be like Sex and the City, especially when you’re busy doing an assignment or cramming for an exam, but fear not—we’re here to help! You didn’t ask for relationship or sex advice, but we’re giving it to you anyway. Between the two of us—Samantha Bones and Cunty Bradshaw—we’re gonna make sure you have the best sex of your life and cum doing it!
How do I ask my partner to get into some freaky shit? I’m tired of vanilla sex.
Samantha Bones: You’ve answered your own question babes: just ask. Despite what Samantha Jones says in S6Ep2, ‘Great Sexpectations’ at 14:40—“honey when it comes to sex, spray it don’t say it”—you should most definitely say it. Because without saying it, you won’t get to spray it. Capiche?
My namesake is right though, the only words that should be said in bed are dirty ones. So, wash that mouth out with garbage, because it’s time to get filthy. Sometimes it’s easier to vocalise what you want in bed when you’re already horny. Don’t spring it on them out of nowhere, of course—you can preface the act with some non-horny talk outside of the bedroom. Maybe tell them you’d like to try something new. Discuss both of your respective boundaries, as well as your desires. And the next time you get down, try saying something like: “it’d be so hot if we…” or, “I really want…”. Trust me, it’s life-changing. And hearing your fantasies out loud? Mmm. You’ll be on your way to tied-up, spank-fest, kink-town in no time. And if your partner kink-shames you, well, maybe you guys have more to worry about than just your sex life.
Cunty Bradshaw: The thought of asking is more daunting than it actually is. Chances are, if you want to try something new, your partner might also be in the same boat. There’s nothing sexier than talking to each other about what turns each of you on—well, except for actually doing it. Communication is key in a relationship, especially in the bedroom. And, trust me on this one, trying something new will spruce up your relationship—even if you both tried it and didn’t like it.
Dear Samantha Bones and Cunty Bradshaw, what are your best sex tips?
Samantha Bones: Firstly, and I cannot stress this enough: masturbate. Masturbate in the shower, masturbate in bed, masturbate in the lounge and kitchen when your flatmates aren’t around, masturbate in your car, masturbate with toys, or the good ol’ fashioned matihao manual. Okay just kidding about some of those, you can masturbate wherever you’re comfortable with. My point is: get to know yourself and what you like. Try different types of porn: audio, visual, written, and try no porn at all. What comes to mind? What makes you cum faster than Forrest Gump in that one scene where he loses his v-card? Now you know what you want, find someone who makes you feel safe and explore these fantasies with them.
Secondly, learn how to verbalise your wants and desires. No matter how many Twilight fantasies you have, you’ll never find a person who can actually read minds. Trust me. I spent so long having bad sex because I felt awkward about telling others that what they were doing just wasn’t it for me. But everyone appreciates a little guidance in bed, and being a little more vocal could really get you singing, if you get my gist.
Cunty Bradshaw: Absolutely agree with Samantha on this one. Getting to know yourself and being able to communicate what you like to your sexual partner are two of the most important things when it comes to having good sex. But also, listening and responding to what your partner likes is equally important. You want to make sure everyone’s having a good time, after all. Finally, be open to trying new things! You never know what you might end up enjoying.
