Let the old farts of society toot in peace!
Global warming, “saving” the planet, and the anthropocene, are all buzzwords part of the elaborate scam that is climate change. Devised and propagated by the liberal snowflakes in our government and media, the “climate crisis” (god, aren’t they dramatic?) is an elaborate hoax designed to snatch more taxpayers’ money and suppress our individual rights to wreck the planet. Fortunately, the comprehensive and unbiased research funded by big oil companies easily debunks and exposes the many logical inconsistencies of this conspiracy.
A focal grievance of sea-turtle-fanatic discourse is the supposed impact of greenhouse gases on our environment—namely carbon dioxide and methane. However, anyone that passed Year 10 Science would tell you that the presence of carbon is vital for photosynthesis. Therefore, the plants should be thanking us for the supposed abundance of this element in our atmosphere. But are we surprised that these ignorant Gen Z’ers fail to grasp basic scientific concepts? Given they’re a generation that has been intellectually atrophied and brainwashed by TikTok, it’s no shock that all they do is complain.
The hypocrisy of their grumblings is further illustrated with the rhetoric around methane. For a demographic of people that are so passionate about “rights”, it’s hypocritical that they want to strip away the moral right of cows to toot! The next thing you know, they’ll be lobbying for fines against any human that lets it rip. Lactose intolerant people, IBS sufferers, and baked bean eaters, be prepared to hand over your hard-earned money to the government as compensation for your illegal bowel movements.
We’ve all seen those dramatic placards held up by kids looking for an excuse to wag school reading “our home is on fire”. Luckily, the reputable intellectual Donald Trump has a scientific rebuttal to this ridiculous claim. His tweet in May 2013 reads: “it’s freezing in New York, where the hell is global warming”? This tweet clearly exhibits another logical fallacy of the climate change scam—how can the earth be “burning up” when we continue to experience cold weather? The last time I checked, the Swiss Snow Alps were still booming with tourists. I even had to wear socks to bed the other night because of how chilly Auckland was. Myth busted!
Even the supposed “countless” statistical graphs and research studies produced by metal-straw-fetishists are hoaxes. Notice how all these wannabe Greta Thunbergs grew up in air-conditioned environments? As their bodies are naturally acclimated to the cool temperatures of aircon, they’re evidently going to think it’s boiling hot when they step outside. Case closed!
Let’s unpack the idiocies surrounding renewable energy. Environmental activists’ demonisation of fossil fuels blatantly dismisses the implications of switching to these unreliable “green” energy sources. Be sure to kiss the eco-warriors when your Shortland Street cuts out in the middle of an episode because it wasn’t windy enough that day! Ever wondered why Elon Musk is the richest man on earth? Thank the incense-waving flower children and their endless bashing of petrol for propelling Tesla sales. And they say climate change deniers are corrupt!
Even worse, when the ozone layer is finally left alone, get ready for the entire human population to shapeshift into Caspar the Ghost. I’d love to see how the peace-loving and elephant-pants-wearing tree-huggers justify the wars that’ll inevitably breakout between companies when they battle for market share in Vitamin D pills and self-tan lotion…
SAFEGUARD YOUR PLASTIC STRAWS AND TRIM MILK FROM THE HIPPIES! SAY NO TO TOFU! TOGETHER IN SOLIDARITY WE CAN PROTECT OUR RIGHTS TO DESTROY THE PLANET!
