Craccum’s resident oracle Gloria Hole recently bumped into Dave Dobbyn in line at her local Pak’nSave, and hasn’t stopped raving about it since. So much so, that she’s dug up some of her favourite nostalgic tunes in order to relay your fortune.
Aries
Cabin fever got you down Aries? Well, it’s time to pour yourself a glass of wine, put on your headphones, and treat yourself to a silent disco. Your neighbours will surely be jealous when they see you Dancing in the Moonlight – especially with that moon so big and bright.
Taurus
This week, impending deadlines will leave you feeling Under Pressure. Dun dun dun da ba dum dom. Looking out your window, you’ll see people on streets – perhaps it’s time to go out for a run, or grab some fresh air, to rejuvenate the mind.
Gemini
Gemini, open up your eager eyes – you’re Mr Brightside this week. In the midst of being trapped in your lockdown ‘cage’, you’ll notice sparks begin to fly in your life – catch them quick before their source burns out.
Cancer
This week, you will not believe your eyes, as ten million Fireflies light up the walls as you fall asleep. It’s time to let your imagination run wild, because your body isn’t going anywhere. We could all do with a thousand hugs, so dream of ten thousand lightning bugs.
Leo
Why on Earth would you go for second best Leo? Put your love to the test – you know, you know, you’ve got to. 😉 Perhaps in showing love to so many others this lockdown, you’ve forgotten to receive some of your own. Well, you’re number one baby, so it’s time to Express Yourself.
Virgo
Aw man! We’re still under lockdown?? This shit really is bananas…
What, you wanted me to spell it out for you? Who do you think I am, some kind of Hollaback Girl?
Libra
Your birthday is coming up soon, but the stars assure you not to worry, as soon enough you’ll be dancing in September. In fact, this lockdown will be so far gone from your mind soon enough, that you’ll be left answerless when someone asks ‘Do you remember?’.
Scorpio
During this lockdown, being stuck at home may lead you to feeling like you’re living in a lonely world. However, it’s a lonely time for everyone right now, and sure enough, if you hold your breath, after 12 days you will emerge into a world where the grass is greener and the sky more blue. The stars tell you to Don’t Stop Believin’ and hold on to that feeling.
Sagittarius
This week, you’re a Slice of Heaven Sagittarius. 🙂 Your company during this lockdown has made someone very happy, but don’t be disheartened if they’re too nervous to admit it. Perhaps this horoscope is just their way of saying you’re the warm moonlight over their horizon.
Capricorn
We can all agree 2020 has been a garbage year, but it’s not one we should be so quick to forget outright. Don’t forget all the self-improvements you’ve made, the friends you’ve gained, and the things you’ve discovered about yourself along the way. Don’t Look Back in Anger, else all the good memories will slowly fade away.
Aquarius
Unless you’re reading this from a managed quarantine facility, your song this week is I Want to Break Free. Which I know is a terrible choice given we’re still in lockdown. But God knows. God knows we’d like to break free.
Pisces
There will be a point where everything gets too much for you this week, Pisces. And when that time comes, it’s a sign to just drop everything and relax. You’ll swim with the dolphins. You can be King, or Queen. And we can live our lives as Heroes – but just for one day.
