Before lockdown, you weren’t getting that much action and you were pretty okay with that. Now, you’re 40 days deep talking to a Bumble match you would normally use and lose within 72 hours, and stress-baking genital shaped cookies. Bake, eat, hate yourself, rub one out and repeat.
You had the comfort of home and your parents in Level 4, but loneliness still prevailed. In times like these, seek out friendship. Use Alert level 3 to your advantage and extend your bubble to your f*ck buddy because nothing will get you through a pandemic like meaningless sex 👍
Not only do you have to deal with your SO during lockdown, you also have to deal with your flatmates’ partners, and it feels inescapable because it is. And you all have THIN walls. Take a bath, use this alone time to consider that yes, you’re getting laid as much as you like but is it REALLY worth your bubble situation?
You and the Mrs are thrivingggg in lockdown! Your relationship is stronger than ever before, and the sex is incredible. Y’all don’t fuck anymore, y’all make love. The level of trust you two share is at an all-time high and now is the perfect time to bring bondage into the bedroom. It’s not like you can go anywhere.
You’re gay and alone. You’ve rotated through every sex toy in your arsenal and you’re thinking “Will I ever feel the touch of another human being ever again?”. The answer is no because you never used to leave your house anyway. Let this motivate you to go out and meet new people! Then eventually realise you don’t like people and give up.
What is sex? can your virginity come back? You type into the Google search bar. You aren’t even talking to anyone during lockdown because that’s how long it’s been. You aren’t even masturbating and are slowly losing the will to live. Eat your feelings because takeaways are back, and food is the only thing left in this cruel world that brings you joy.
You and your partner have tried every sex position known to man. You’ve had sex all over the house. You even tried organising a threesome, but they didn’t want to break bubble rules #lame. Working from home is awesome because you barely get any work done. Order something off AdultToyMegastore and see how long you can do it in the backyard before the neighbours catch you.
You are so unbelievably horny; you are actually losing it. The signs – 10 days into lockdown, you’ve already had an unwanted sex dream about your flatmate and have bought yourself a vape. Your coping mechanisms are sexting your “options”, online shopping and nicotine. Time for a detox from the vibrator and go hug your mum, ya perv.
You’ve been single for so long that lockdown ain’t no sweat. You weren’t getting laid anyway and are happy masturbating the weeks away. Focus on yourself in new ways and continue to explore ways of self-love. Speak affirmations to yourself whilst you touch yourself in front of a mirror.
Whether you were already getting laid in lockdown or not, you are still thinking about all the sex you’re gonna have in Level 2. You’re jerking it twice a day, every day, just to get by. Your sanity is slipping, and you need something to look forward to. Video call your booty call and discuss how you are going to f*ck each other’s brains out once you are released from this hell.
You’re working/studying from home and you’re too fucked up to even worry about an orgasm. You are using this time to work on yourself and start that project you’ve been meaning to start. Don’t. Instead, relax, light a candle and go to town, before you have a breakdown.
You thought being with your SO in lockdown, it’s a no brainer: for the sake of your relationship and your genitals. 3 weeks in, they only have to breathe, and you’re annoyed. You don’t wanna look at them, let alone touch them. Do something nice for each other then get drunk/stoned out your mind and remember how good they are at head.