Craccum’s resident oracle Gloria Hole recently purchased an expensive new psychology textbook, or at least that’s what Studylink thinks. It just so happens to coincide with the fact a large crack on the screen of her phone has disappeared…
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Being stuck at home all day for classes will leave you hungry for an adventure. Perhaps it’s time to pick up a new physical challenge, and spend the money on a surfboard or some climbing gear. The world is your oyster, so go out there and conquer it!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you didn’t like Auckland to begin with, how are those feelings doing now after a lockdown? Time to splash money on fuelling up the car and getting on out of here. Trust me – it’s course-related stress relief.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This week, you’ll miss the thrill and drunkenness of hitting town. The stars have the perfect solution for you though – get a karaoke machine! You’ll be belting out your favourite tunes all night. Plus, you won’t have to suffer from getting groped by a stranger.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What fantastic item will you be spending course-related costs on this week, you ask? Perhaps you should take a look at those accumulated unpaid parking fines before you start dreaming, the stars recommend.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This week, you open Netflix to find that your best friend’s family have changed their password, locking you out of their account. Well shit. Desperately, you try to reason how you can fill the gaps left in your day, and discover there is no other solution but to take out money for your own subscription. Or, find yourself a bf/gf whose family own one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week, you’ll realise money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you loads of alcohol, and that’s probably the closest you’ll get in 2020. Optimism and positivity is fucking overrated in horoscopes.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week, you’ll open your eyes to how shit your internet is at home. Being around campus all the time, you must have just never noticed it, but now working out of home, your life is dictated around when your connection choses to cooperate. Course-related mobile data fees it is for you then!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A need for a reminder that you’re a good person will force out your charitable side, and make you donate to Masterton Primary’s year 6 school camp (or whatever other fundraiser Facebook decides to burden you with). Being a poor student with limited means really does get in the way of that though – so it looks like you’ll be making some IOU donations with the help of Studylink.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Be careful not to fall target to false internet advertising this week. Whether it’s a penis enlargement surgery that entices you, or hot Asian singles in your area, don’t do it – it’s a trap! Too late? Well, it looks like the time of year to file for some course-related costs then. 🙁
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The second lockdown has already made you give up on this year, and look forward to starting the next one off with a bang. With all the New Year festivals having their first release, it’s time to fork out your (or Studylink’s) cash!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This week, an exhilarating experience will leave you craving a frozen coke of all things. Unfortunately, your bank balance is so desolate, taking out course-related fees is the length you’ll have to go to for your special treat.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week, you’ll be spending your course-related costs on textbo.. On textboo… Sorry, it’s so stupid, I can’t even bring myself to make that joke. Book your next Kiwi holiday, you deserve it. Cook Islands travel bubble anyone?
