Each week, our resident sports columnist Omni Arona tries to justify wasting his life watching sport and tells you who’s been shit
Erling Haaland set a new record for goals with 10 in only six games played. It only took the striker 38 minutes to net his second straight hat-trick during their match against newly promoted Nottingham Forest. He’s looking like a cheat code at the minute. Like Francis Ngannou with Thierry Henry’s speed.
The big game of the week will be Tottenham vs. Man City. Unfortunately, this issue will be written up before that game is played. I’ll make the assumption that Son scores a hat-trick and does a backflip celebration infront of Pep (Mercy Haaland pls).
Man United look to have turned their season around with four wins on the trot beating league leaders Arsenal 3-1. The arrival of Martinez, Casemiro, Erikson, and Antony have brought new life to Old Trafford while Cristiano Ronaldo and Harry Maguire start on the bench.
Brighton look to have started strong as they sit at fourth on the table already beating Man United and West Ham and thumping Leicester City 5-2. Trossard, Mac Alister, and Mwepu look to be quality.
The Champions League opened with Mbappe and Haaland scoring a brace each against Juventus and Celtic respectively. Chelsea’s loss to Dinamo Zagreb meant that Thomas Tuchel was sacked despite winning the Champions League in 2021. In the last sport column, I expressed that Liverpool’s early woes would dissipate and they’d regain their form soon enough. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Liverpool were beaten 4-1 by Serie A side Napoli with Joe Gomez and Trent getting spun. I’ve seen training cones put in more effort than Trent who was at fault for the third goal.
Mercedes vs. Ferrari Battle for Second Place
F1 returned after the summer break with the Dutch Grand Prix. Mercedes looked across the paddock, saw Ferrari fucking up every single race, and thought “yeah I’ll have some of that”. Lewis Hamilton looked on to get his first win of the season, but a strategy fuck up netted Max Verstappen his tenth win of the season. Red Bull look to win both the Constructors Championship as well as the Drivers’ Championship.
Ferrari continue to ruin Charles Leclerc’s chances of challenging Verstappen for the Drivers’ Championship. Multiple strategy mishaps has caused fans to call for a change in personnel within the Ferrari garage.
McLaren signed Oscar Piastri to replace Daniel Ricciardo’s seat for 2023 after Alpine fucked up their chances to keep the promising future superstar within their camp.
The Shit Trophy
Ferrari would win this if the trophy was called the “shit for consecutive weeks” trophy but I think we’re used to it at this point. Liverpool would also have been a good shout after getting bounced 4-1 by Napoli following poor form in the EPL, but this week’s shit award has to go to Chelsea Football Club, who looked a bit in shambles despite spending a record £273 million during this past window and sacking their manager following their 1-0 loss to Dinamo Zagreb. A manager who had just won them the Champions League. The Club looks to Brightons Graham Potter, Mauricio Pochettino, and Zinedine Zidane in hopes that either one can change the clubs fortunes.