The great social media outage of 2019 occurred in March this year with many people worldwide struggling to get working access to all of Facebook, Facebook Messenger and Instagram. If you were like me, this was not a great time. Lectures suddenly seemed like they lasted for fucking ever, bus rides were painstakingly long and I just didn’t know what to do when I got bored. Luckily, this outage was not long lived and within a number of hours, access was restored. With another major outage inevitable in the future, I have prepared for you a list of things you can do when it finally strikes:
1: Get in touch with nature
This is a sign that it’s time to get in touch with nature. Go for a hike, get outdoors into the wilderness and explore. Spread your wings, young warrior! Normally, if you were venturing into nature, you would Instagram every second of it, and caption it with some bullshit quote about how in touch with your spiritual side you are, but this time you don’t get to tell everyone about it.
2: Call your grandparents
Nothing says ‘I love you Grandma’ like calling her because you can’t check Instagram. Grandma will be stoked to hear from you, give her a call.
3: Read Craccum
now is a better time than ever to pick up the latest craccum. If you’ve picked this edition up, I am assuming Instagram and Facebook are currently down. You could even use your time to write an article for us, please, or this article is being repeated again next week.
4: Check if Instagram and Facebook are still down
you’ve done enough fucking around, are they back online yet?
5: Do your readings
Okay I know this is getting desperate but it’s an idea. No actually, don’t, don’t do your readings. Just be honest about it and don’t bother. Just pretend.
6: reset your wifi router
surely it’s just a problem with the internet right?
7: Watch Netflix.
Netflix seems to be still be up. Go binge on some Netflix. Madeleine McCann is still missing and there are eight episodes about it on Netflix.
8: Go Searching for Madeleine McCann
With all your spare time you maybe could solve this cold case. Where is she? Is Madeleine dead or is she watching her own documentary with no clue it’s her.
9: Watch the Office
The office is a classic programme and you can read our Arts spotlight this week and read all about our favourite characters *cheeky and very obvious plug*.
10: Contemplate whether or not this is a sign:
is this a sign that you are using social media too much? Are you trying to distract yourself from something and this is forcing you to confront it? Are you sharing content to feel validated and in a paradox feeling less validated. Contemplate this.
11: Check if Facebook and Instagram are still down
okay surely they can’t be down forever.
12: Read a book
when was the last time you read a book you fucking piece of shit. Why aren’t you reading more. Get educated you dickhead.
13: Have a twelve hour existensial crisis
what is love? Baby don’t hurt me, no more. What is life? What is the point of living? How do I feel connected again. Take time to have your existensial crisis, there is no rush.
14: Drink alcohol
Drink alcohol. Drink lots of it. Alcohol is your friend.
15: check if facebook and instagram are still down
this has been going on forever, fucking hell.
16: Have a wank
Pornhub is still up isn’t it? Why didn’t you think of this earlier?
17: Play the T Rex Run Game
you know when you can’t connect to the internet on Google Chrome and the little dinosaur appears, he’s hours of fun. You may have to disconnect from the wifi to play but it’ll be all worth it.
18: Send some selfies to your mates via mail.
Go old school, take a snap, print it out and mail it. Help NZ Post out. Within 5-7 days you should have a cheeky photo back!
19: check if facebook and instagram are still down
holy shit when will this come back up what is mark zuckerburg doing with his time.
20: go on twitter
give up, go on twitter, it’s still functioning.