Just before Easter weekend, many future graduands received an email from the ever lovely and well liked Vice Chancellor, Stuart McCutcheon, informing students that due to security concerns, the ever popular and cherished procession walk from Old Government House to Aotea Square for the Autumn graduation had been cancelled. At Craccum, we are disappointed for the students who were looking forward to their (possibly) only chance to shut down Queen St and walk alongside their friends to the longest ceremony in fucking history. In light of this, we have decided to pay tribute to the other important walks that you will do during your time at the University of Auckland – because sometimes you won’t even realise these walks were a really significant part of your time at this university until you truly step back and appreciate them. And also because we’re fairly confident that Stuart won’t be able to take these ones away from you.
1: The walk from city campus to law marina between classes
The 10 minute gap between classes is already a stretch, but when you have to get down to Law Marina for a class on Statistics, you start to wonder why they even have classes down there, and as you start to pace down the stairs, you try to forget you’ll have to go back up them in an hour because you ONLY HAVE ONE CLASS down at the law school. We have petitioned for the university to make a shuttle; we’re told it’s in progress.
2: The two second jog to passive aggressively send signals to the slow cunts blocking your way on the walkway next to UBIQ
You know you just read this and you 100% realised you have done this. Apparently keep left is not a concept that is taught in first year. That little pathway is becoming permanently blocked and you will one day value an unhindered walk across it.
3: The 10 minute walk to the general library after your specialist library gets shut down
This walk is proudly endorsed by Stuart McCutcheon.
4: The walk/run to hand in your assignment on time BECAUSE THAT FUCKING LECTURER HAS THE AUDACITY TO SET A PHYSICAL HAND-IN
Shoutout to online, midnight submissions for letting you submit your extremely subpar essay from the comfort of your own house. Physical hand-ins are archaic practices and should be banished to the history books
5: The walk into the lecture room when you’re running late
The fact you even decided to show up and not skip the lecture speaks volume of your character. Let alone the fact you had the balls to make an entrance into a small lecture theatre. Huge shout-out to the lecture theatre in the biology building and also the aptly named ‘Small Lecture Theatre’ in the law school – named for someone with the last name Small and not because it is in fact a very small lecture theatre – where the walk in is directly in front of the class and right by the lecturer – an extremely awkward walk for all.
6: The shuffle of depression when entering Old Government House
This lecture theatre is very boring and I put it down to the fact the curtains are shut the entire time – there is no natural light. The whole room is flat and that is how you feel when you shuffle in.
7: The speed walk across the Symond Street intersection with four seconds to go
Have you tried to do this before and then found yourself in the middle of the intersection alone as the time runs out being watched by every. Single. Person.
8: The 2pm walk to Shadows on a Wednesday when you’ve given up
This walk is made extra special when that 2pm walk means you are heading in the opposite direction to your ongoing lecture. Skipping lectures to go to Shads is an essential part of your university experience that should continue on right up until you walk out of your last exam.
9: The walk past the Princes St poop trees holding your nose
Our research indicates that this tree might be a Gingko Tree, however the fruit rots on the pavement and it smells terrible. This walk is memorable for invoking your sense of smell so highly and so vividly, as you hold your nose to avoid the smell of vomit/shit/cum/whatever-that-fucking-smell-is.
10: The pensive walk through Munchy Mart when you don’t know what you want
There is never a time when you feel more pensive and with more choice than when you get to browse the shelves at Munchy Mart to find something to eat. Yes, you may have other places to be, but something about those wasabi green peas is calling your name.