How to create a successful election campaign
Have you ever thought to yourself—wow, politics really is just so cool and fun isn’t it?” Have you ever watched a debate between a guy named Chris, and some other guy also named Chris and thought, “wow, I could do soooo much better than this cunt, who the hell let him in??” If you thought, “wow, Sara you’ve read my mind!” Then this is the how-to guide for you!
Welcome, you future political superstar!!! I’ve done my research, pulled from sources far and wide, and truly scraped the bottom of the barrel to produce this SUPER HELPFUL (and totally biassed) five step guide to pursue your wildest political fantasies!
Step 1: Write the perfect speech
Now you might be thinking, before I write a speech for my (totally real and very serious) election campaign, I have to have some idea of what kind of policies I wanna enact? Or what kind of politician I wanna be? Shouldn’t I know if I’m gonna be attending a climate march with Chlöe and Marama, or swigging beers with the likes of Winston Peters or David Seymour? Won’t I have to know if I need to sprint away before tax policies are brought up? Nahhhhh…. That stuff’s not important! All you need are a few hard-hitting political tropes that push your angle and it doesn’t matter what party you’re advocating for. Here’s a short example of your opening campaign speech to kickstart your political career:
Kia Ora Koutou, Hello and Welcome fellow Kiwis
Thank you for joining me today as we discuss the key issues we face in Aotearoa New Zealand, the very bread and butter issues that define our daily lives. [something about the importance of ideals yadi yada] Our party is firmly rooted in the belief that we need to first address the immediate needs of the average Kiwi.
The reality is, that for too long, our government has been like an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff! We believe that every taxpayer dollar should be spent wisely and with the utmost transparency—which is why our party stands strongly against wasteful spending and bureaucratic inefficiencies.
It’s time for a change, for the New Zealand government to shift its focus towards sustainable and effective solutions that uplift our communities and ensure a better future for all. We can achieve this with [insert buzzwords and vague promises]. Too many Kiwis are struggling due to this government’s failures and it has got to stop!
Our party is committed to addressing the issues that matter most to you. Together, we can build a nation where no-one is left behind and where everyone has the opportunity to succeed.
Thank you
Step 2: Know what you stand for
OKAY I GET IT I’m a hypocrite!! I know I just said this wasn’t important, but I just wanted to have my moment to say politics is generic, is that such a crime?
Okay, you do need to know what party you’re with, and whose rights you stand for. There’s official tests available in droves off the internet, but if you’re too lazy to answer like fifty questions, then maybe throw a dart at this highly accurate, and well-made chart, which I’ve kindly thrown together for you.*
*plz note politics is so subjective!!!!! I made this chart based on my views in addition to some light research to improve accuracy, but this is not the gospel (and even if it was) don’t take this to be the be-all, end-all of what political parties are and endorse!!! I’m just a 21yo teenage girl in this very very fucked up world 🙂
Step 3: Appeal to your target audience
The reason your political party and policy stance is important is because that’s how you know whose vote you’re actually trying to win. It’s all sunshine and rainbows to say “I’m a politician for everyone,” but that’s just not true. Every door you open for whatever marginalised group you perceive as the most deserving, is assuredly bound to smack someone in the nose on the other side of it. You can’t win. You can only play the game until you die, and if you’re lucky by that point, less than half (a fickle less than half) of the population will think you’re a piece of shit. I digress.
Here’s a single policy spectrum (or two) to help you find out which demographics you should be targeting… it might also help to start paying attention at the family gathering when the political rampages commence.
Step 4: Learn how to (not) answer a question
Those pesky journalists and their knack for always making innocent politicians look bad!! For once can’t a journo ask something nice or tell a politician they’re doing a good job? No?? Well fine, it doesn’t matter anyway – they can’t make you look bad if you don’t let them—and if they ask you about my climate/tax/housing/crime policy, you best believe the answer will give them absolutely NOTHING.
Here’s an example of expert deflection to help you get an idea…
Interviewer: “I’d like to ask a question that concerns all New Zealanders: if elected, what will you and your party do to address the growing concern of climate change*?”
Politician: “Thank you for that question! I agree, climate change is an important topic in New Zealand. I appreciate this opportunity to share a little more about my position. When it comes to the environment, we need to take a nuanced approach. It is important to consider people who are struggling, and also ensure we continue economic growth. It’s all about balance!
Now we all know that [other party] does not address this issue well enough! [insert two minute minimum digression into how shitty the opposition party is—useful buzzwords include ‘wasteful spending’, ‘inefficient bureaucracy’ etc] This is not good enough. My party understands the real issues that New-Zealanders face and we are prepared to tackle them. We need strong policies that serve the best interests of Aotearoa. So to answer your question directly, it’s true, climate change is a major issue in New Zealand, and one which my party plans to address. That is why my party has the most effective plan for addressing climate change.”
*fun fact – this example is versatile! Swap out climate change for any of the following: cost of living, housing crisis, taxes, health, crime…
Step 5: Nail the marketing!!
“Never vote for a man who wants to be a politician,” that’s what my dad has always told me. But, you know, it’s impossible to be a politician, without at least a tiny shred of you actually wanting to be there (or liking the attention and power lol). The easiest way to pretend you don’t want to be a politician, is to avoid acting like one—and by that I mean, you’ve got to look normal and relatable to the wider audience. Here are some handy phrases to add to your totally-normal-relatable-kiwi lexicon.
“OMG I love sausage rolls, Kiwi culture is the best!”
“Check out this pic of me taking a Zoom call from my house! My regular-shmegular plain old average Kiwi living room—I’m just like you!”
“I know how much bread costs! My assistant wrote it down for me. because I buy my own groceries”
“Hard work equals success! I would know—I used to work at Maccas, damn that ice-cream machine is always broken, eh?”
“We can’t impose a wealth tax! that would affect me. It just wouldn’t work! The numbers don’t stack up!”
Those are all the steps I have for you to help you nail your political career! Just to recap everything I’ve said here into a nice, memorable acronym:
In conclusion, the best way to become a successful politician is to SUCK!!
That’s all from me—best of luck at the voting booth 🙂
Oh also, to address your question about the poorly made acronym, thanks for asking! I-
